The Data Compilation
by RJ1013
Summary: In the wake of events from the Season 8 finale, Sheldon comes to accept some unsettling truths about his relationship with Amy. A strange and amusing evolution awaits for a strange and amusing couple. This story is being extended, with new chapters starting at Chapter 7.
1. Chapter 1

The Data Compilation

by RJ1013

Summary: In the wake of events from the Season 8 finale, Sheldon comes to accept some unsettling truths. A strange and amusing evolution awaits for a strange and amusing couple.

Rating: M, but not right away. I'm not quite there yet…

Spoilers: up to and including the Season 8 finale

Disclaimer: Nothing's mine.

As with my first story, this is already fully written. There will be a chapter posted every day, assuming that life does not get in my way. Thanks for reading!

—

* * *

I.

* * *

Thai food night is not the same without Amy. Penny knows that it is going to be weird, especially at first. She's had plenty of practice adjusting to oddness, though, with these wonderful, misfit friends of hers.

With everyone gathered, Sheldon takes the opportunity to explain the situation to his friends that have not yet been made aware. Everyone remains silent while he explains about Amy's request for some time to think. When he finishes his explanation, silence reigns for almost a full minute while the news soaks in. Penny had thought that her and Leonard's unsuccessful shot at getting married would have been the toughest news of the weekend, but it looks like Sheldon and Amy might have them beat. She knows that she and Leonard will get there in time, that this weekend in Vegas was simply not the right moment. With Sheldon and Amy, she's not quite sure of anything.

Penny has had enough of the silence. "Well, that's five years longer than any other woman on earth would've put up with your crap."

She's only half-joking. Amy has been patient with Sheldon to an almost inhuman degree, and she's not surprised to hear that her friend now needs a little space.

"You're not going to start acquiring cats, are you? Or assembling a death ray?" Leonard asks with a raised eyebrow.

Penny's not sure if he's saying that in jest or if he's serious. Sheldon has been known to do these kinds of things for real, after all.

Sheldon shoots a glare at both her and his soon to be ex-roommate. "I must say, this is not the kind of helpful support that I had in mind when I invited you all over here for your input."

He was calm during his initial explanation of recent events, but he seems peeved at the direction the conversation has taken. He sets down his takeout container in a non-gentle fashion, the styrofoam box making a sad little thumping sound on the coffee table. Perhaps he has lost his appetite. He wasn't eating much anyway, and it's not an uncommon feeling during a breakup. Penny can't help but to feel sympathy for him. He is smart in so many ways, but he's more than a little clueless when it comes to certain issues. In fact, people issues of nearly any kind seem to leave him bewildered.

The angry set of his brow and his crossed arms are starting to clue her in that they might need to take a more gentle approach. Before she has a chance to apologize, however, she hears Howard Wolowitz interject his own particular brand of wisdom.

"You need to step up your game."

"Game? Like Diablo 3? I tried that years ago. She did not want to play."

Howard rolls his eyes. "No, not that kind of game! I mean flirting, or you know, just generally making it known that you find your woman attractive, and you want to hook up."

Sheldon, to no one's surprise, seems mystified. "Hook up?"

"Birds do it, bees do it, even hopelessly clueless PhD's do it," Raj adds. He gestures to himself with both thumbs, "Even this guy."

That might be the most embarrassing brag about sex that Penny has ever heard. At least Emily wasn't here for it, which has got to be for the best.

"Yes, Raj, you have sex now. We remember," Leonard dead pans. "Seriously, though, Sheldon, they do kind of have a valid point. You told us that Amy was displeased with the pace of your relationship. The two of you have progressed a lot this year, but maybe she's looking for progress in this particular area…"

"Really? You think that this is all about sex?" He still sounds baffled.

"It's time to step out of the realm of theory and into the dirty, dirty, dirty world of practice," Howard leers, and then he gets elbowed in the ribs by his diminutive wife.

"I don't think it's quite as simple as that," Bernadette says, "especially after all these years."

Penny sees Howard roll his eyes and mouth the words 'yes it is that simple'. He better pray that his wife doesn't catch him doing that.

"We'll discuss this later, Sheldon, when it's just us menfolk," the little man tries to sound like he's the voice of expertise. Penny resists the urge to reach over and smack him, but barely.

Instead, she and Bernadette both turn to Howard with narrowed eyes. "No. _We'll_ discuss this with you later, Sheldon, so you have some actual hope," Bernadette insists, her squeaky voice shifting into a scary kind of roar.

—

* * *

II.

* * *

Leonard is certain that this will be a disaster. He, Raj, and Howard have gathered at The Cheesecake Factory to have dinner with Sheldon. They told their friend to arrive at 6:00, and it's only 5:30 now, so that leaves them half an hour to strategize. This location was chosen for one particular reason. They all know that neither Penny nor Bernadette will have any desire to set foot in this place after having spent so long working here.

Howard and Raj have been trying to assure Leonard that the collective wisdom of the males of the group can help provide guidance to Sheldon in his time of need. He's pretty sure, though, that those two just want a front row seat to the circus that is likely to ensue.

"Do you guys honestly think that we are the most qualified people to advise Sheldon about relationship issues?" Leonard asks.

"Well, who else is there?" Howard replies with a question of his own. "Besides, I think we can all agree that we are each successfully pair-bonded with a woman that is way out of our league."

Leonard can't help but nod to the truth of that, and next to him, he can see Raj doing the same. Speaking of out of their league, an attractive blond waitress stops by to fill their water glasses. As she does so, memories of a young Penny flood his mind, and Leonard tries not to stare.

Once the waitress walks away, Howard picks up the conversation again. "So, we just need to work out the specifics behind our successes and see if we can clue Sheldon in."

Leonard starts to choke on his water at the phrase 'clue Sheldon in'. As if such a thing is even possible…

"Ok," says Raj. He sounds a bit skeptical as well, but seems to be willing to give it a shot. "So, what would you guys say are the secrets behind your successful relationships? Leonard?"

"Well, patience and shameless begging were definitely instrumental." He pauses for a few seconds and then continues, puffing his chest out, "Of course, I'm also a romance ninja."

They stare at him.

"Sure dude. You're only having a little trouble with the marriage part, hmm?" Raj says. With more enthusiasm he adds, "Although, I must admit to being a bit of a romance ninja myself."

"When you're not in a graveyard you mean," snaps Leonard.

"Yes. Anyway, Emily has been quite taken with my approach to things. I've cooked dinners for her. We eat by candlelight and have long conversations. After dinner, we dance." Raj sighs, glancing off in the distance with glazed, moony eyes.

Leonard wants to add 'And then she scares the crap out of you,' but he manages to resist the urge. Instead he says, "I can't picture Sheldon cooking a romantic meal." Feeling his entire face scrunch up at the thought, he soon finds himself rethinking things. "I bet he'd try it for Amy, though."

They all agree with that. Whatever his faults may be, it's clear that Sheldon loves Amy, and that he will do whatever it takes to work things out.

"Ok. Howard?" Raj inquires.

"Well, there's my sparkling sense of humor, of course-"

"Of course," Raj and Leonard speak in sarcastic unison. It doesn't slow Howard down.

"There is also my impeccable sense of fashion. It really displays the goods to full effect. It's very seductive," he waves his hand down, indicating his tight pants that border on being obscene.

"Um… sure." Raj can't seem to look at Howard while he speaks, "I suppose he could try something like that. If nothing else, it would show Amy that he's willing to try anything…"

They are quiet for a bit, sipping drinks, when Howard drops the real truth of the matter. "Realistically, though, the guy just needs to make a move."

"Now that is something that I cannot picture," says Raj.

A troubling thought crosses Leonard's mind. "Has it occurred to any of you that, if everything works out, they could eventually… replicate from this endeavor? I'm not sure the world can handle more of them," he stutters out.

As they all glance at one another with collective discomfort, the front door opens, and Sheldon enters the restaurant. He looks around with a lost expression on his face, looking lonely and forlorn without Amy at his side.

—

* * *

III.

* * *

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time—some time to think, a little space to do so more freely. The reality is much more difficult than Amy had imagined. She's well aware of how intertwined her life has become with Sheldon's, but she still feels stunned by the emptiness of her days spent without him.

Tomorrow will mark two full weeks of having no contact with her boyfriend. Her fingers are building up calluses from long hours spent playing the harp, and the neighbors are beginning to complain. The grungy mechanic who lives right next door gave her a particularly nasty look in the elevator this morning. She suspects it might be best to find something else to do this evening instead of playing the harp, before he's tempted to break in with some wire cutters to 'fix' her harp for her.

Tonight she is switching from music to writing. She hopes that creating a sequel to her fanfic will help direct her thoughts away from her relationship problems. Truthfully, it's kind of cheating. She's well aware that time spent writing for Cooper is really time spent with the imaginary Sheldon in her head. Of course with Cooper, anything is possible. He won't stubbornly insist on G-rated interactions or make her negotiate for any scrap of physical affection. He sure as hell will not wonder whether his relationship with Amelia should take place on the same planet.

Amy can feel the familiar frustration pound out a rhythm in her veins. She selects a rating for her upcoming story, M.

It's usually a relief, typing out her hopes and fantasies like this, but tonight as the story takes form, she feels more depressed than ever before. By the time she writes about Amelia straddling Cooper's face, she becomes aware of the wet feeling of tears on her cheeks.

She sits back in her chair and wipes the moisture away with her sleeve. Sheldon would hate to see her do that. He'd probably give her some speech about hygiene and the history of the development of facial tissue. The thought only makes her miss him all the more.

With a sigh, she turns back to her screen. Scrolling back up, she starts editing her evening's writing. It would be wonderful if her mind would focus on the simple questions of grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Instead, however, she finds her thoughts drifting to Cooper and Amelia's barnyard tryst. Is any of that even remotely accurate? Will she ever be able to experience any of these things herself? And of course, there is the question that seems to forever loop through her mind: What the hell, Sheldon?

For a brief instant, she considers emailing him this draft of her outrageous, smutty story. She smirks at the thought of him reading it, and how it would slowly begin to dawn on him who Amelia and Cooper were representing. Maybe he could finally see some use for that mouth of his other than to talk about physics and pontificate about superheroes.

As tempting as it is, she knows that she will not send it to him. A long, long time ago, she made a promise to herself that she would not force Sheldon's hand with regards to physical intimacy. It is, and always has been, essential to her that Sheldon decide for himself how to move forward with their physical relationship. She allows herself to give him the occasional nudge, but she will never issue an ultimatum. She will not hold their relationship hostage to her desires.

That's why she needs this break now, so that she will not be tempted to push him. It would be perverse in the worst kind of way if he came to be with her because he felt forced or compelled. If he decides that he wants her, she needs to know that it is driven by his own desire and not hers.

She wonders, though, if that will ever happen. Penny and Leonard once told her that they were not sure what Sheldon's 'deal' is, and that they weren't even sure that he has a 'deal.' For her own sanity, she has never let herself believe that. That's why she had been so devastated on their anniversary. When faced with their most intimate encounter so far, she had been stunned to find that his mind was not with her but was contemplating a tv show.

What the hell, Sheldon?

After all her efforts to avoid pushing him, she hopes that he does not misconstrue this time apart as being some kind of breakup. She tried to be clear with him that she loves him and that she just needs some time. While he will no doubt explain the situation to his friends, she hopes that they won't pressure him on her behalf. Unfortunately, she suspects that they will drop anvil-sized hints about the importance of sex. Even Sheldon's thick, stubborn, brilliant cranium will eventually be forced to yield to the truth. She can only hope that when he comes to understand her frustrations, he will find that it is a desire he shares.

* * *

—


	2. Chapter 2

—

* * *

IV.

* * *

Almost two weeks after Sheldon's meeting with the guys at The Cheesecake Factory, he still can't decide what to make of their suggestions. His friends had been eager to advise him on how to 'step up his game' with Amy, but Sheldon continues to have his doubts. He does not mind the idea of cooking a nice meal, dancing, or otherwise trying out 'romance', but the idea of trying to squeeze into some Howard-style pants is quite disconcerting. More than anything else, he doubts that shameless begging is something that Amy would find attractive.

He has not told anyone at all about the ring, except for Gollum, of course. The small statue had been unable to offer him any wisdom, but at least he could be sure that the inanimate object would keep his secret.

Sheldon had been shocked when Amy asked to take a step back from their relationship. She had always seemed to understand that their relationship was superior to any and all others. Truthfully, though, she was also very clear about how much she loves him. If anything, it sounded like she wanted more of him. He wonders, if she had known about the ring, would that have changed anything? He fears that when the time comes to bring up the subject, she will now think it is something he is doing out of desperation rather than desire.

Desire. The most uncomfortable of uncomfortable topics. Sheldon is not a fool. Not anymore, anyway, not about this. He does want a physical relationship with Amy and has, in fact, wanted to be intimate with her for some time now. Nevertheless, he has pushed her away at every turn. He understands how this must be confusing for her. It is confusing for him as well.

For his entire life, Sheldon had assumed that he was not subject to the whims and impulses of his endocrine system. While others around him 'matured' into crazed, rutting wildebeests, he focused his attentions on the lady of science, physics. He never felt sorry about his decision. Truthfully, he never even gave the matter much thought at all. People around him made it clear that his priorities were peculiar, but Sheldon never particularly cared what others thought of him.

He still had urges, of course, much like any other man. Still, those impulses weren't directed at any specific person. They were merely a physical reality, and he would take care of his body's needs with the same perfunctory air with which he performed any other regular ablutions. Proper maintenance was important for good prostate health, after all. He certainly hadn't ever felt as if his higher brain functions were at the mercy of his hindbrain.

Since meeting Amy Farrah Fowler, everything has changed. Sheldon has never been comfortable with change of any kind, and it has been unsettling in the extreme to suddenly experience so many new kinds of feelings. Even more troubling is how his baser desires are now so utterly attached to his innocent Amy.

The pace of their relationship has been slow by almost anyone's standards, but to Sheldon, the changes have been flashing by at lightning speed. Holding hands, hugging, and kissing were not activities that he had ever expected to take an interest in. He had felt overwhelmed at each milestone and put up a wall in his mind to try to control the tidal wave of feelings.

He remembers the way he had developed strategies to keep both her and his growing desires at bay. The Relationship Agreement, plan A, was usually a good starting point for insuring that nothing spontaneous would occur. Once kissing had become a regular happening, he found he needed a backup plan. Plan B was to think about anything other than Amy while kissing her. Anything from video game controllers to flag history to superheroes had made for a good distraction.

Amy has no doubt caught on to this by now, but he suspects that she misunderstands his motivations. She thinks that he is simply not interested, but nothing could be further from the truth. He is incredibly interested. He just hates feeling out of control.

It has become more and more clear to him that he needs to let these fears go. There is an ever-increasing body of evidence that the fear is irrational. After all, for every step towards intimacy that they have taken together, both physical and emotional, things have always turned out so much better than he could have expected. Though he has anticipated disaster with each new change, with Amy he somehow always winds up with bliss. There is no reason to believe that sexual intimacy will be any different.

Her frustration with him is legitimate, and he has been frustrated with himself too. The last two weeks spent without her have been awful, and one of the worst parts of it all is the unrelenting knowledge that he bears responsibility for the current situation. He has been lying to her. They are lies of omission, sure, but lies nonetheless.

It is long past the time when he should have made the truth of his desires known to Amy. He hopes that it won't be too late.

—

* * *

V.

* * *

"Maybe he has some kind of weird superhero fetish?" Bernadette suggests, while topping off the glasses of wine for her two friends. She and Penny have opted to have girls' night at Amy's apartment, knowing that she still needs time away from Sheldon.

Penny nods. "Yeah, you could try dressing up as The Flash's girlfriend, Iris West, and then just go for it." Her face shifts into a look of dismay. "Damn, it's so disturbing when I realize I know that kind of stuff about comics…"

Bernadette snorts. "Roleplaying as The Flash would probably end up being pretty apt for a guy in his thirties who's never been laid." She snaps her fingers and jerks her head to the side. "Boom, you're done!"

Penny and Bernadette both cackle at the thought, but Amy looks unamused. Bernadette tries to stifle her laughter. She knows it's a time for more sympathy and less joking.

"Sorry," she squeaks, "but sometimes when life gives you a Sheldon, all you can do is laugh."

"He really misses you, Sweetie. It's only been two weeks and he's already kind of crazy. Like, more than usual."

Bernadette has to admit that Penny's attempt at commiserating is coming out a little better than her own, but not by much.

"I'm not trying to make him crazy," Amy mumbles, taking a sip of her wine and then fiddling with the stem of the glass.

"Well, I mean Sheldon-style crazy. You know, like just yesterday, he came over to my apartment to meet Leonard. While he was waiting, he sat down on my couch, and he was only a foot or so away from a pair of balled up dirty socks," Penny relays with wide eyes, "and he didn't even notice!"

Amy seems unimpressed. Penny slaps her friend's thigh and adds, "Ooh, and a couple days before that, Leonard was telling me how Sheldon has been off his typical morning bowel movement schedule by a good ten minutes."

When Amy drops her head into her hands, it looks like it finally occurs to Penny that her tale is not all that comforting. "Yeah, I wish Leonard would stop telling me about that. But seriously, Ames, it's much more than that. Sheldon is usually so self-centered and arrogant, but right now he seems lost. He's insecure and mopey. I never thought I'd miss his normal bravado, but it's just so sad…"

"It is sad," Amy agrees, "and I'm sad too. I don't think I can even begin to explain to you guys what it's like."

She proceeds to try and explain anyway. It's a long story that Penny and Bernadette are quite familiar with, having borne witness to it firsthand over the years.

Bernadette feels great sympathy for her friend. She knows that she has had some harsh words for Amy in the past, particularly when it comes to Amy's relationship with Sheldon. It's just that she has hated seeing her friend face rejection over and over again. It's frustrating and she wants to help, but she isn't sure what advice she could possibly give. That relationship doesn't seem to fit any kind of typical pattern. She isn't sure what she can offer other than understanding of Amy's position.

"Having watched you guys and your painfully slow progress over the years, it's more than understandable that you need some time to sort things out. We don't blame you for feeling frustrated. If anything, we're surprised that you didn't crack sooner."

"I don't want to pressure him at all. It's so difficult, though, never knowing where I stand with him or what he wants from this relationship. He says that he loves me, and I believe him, but what does that feeling even mean to Sheldon? I'm starting to think that I'm just one more piece of his stupid schedule—something that he has gotten used to but nothing more."

The room is silent for an uncomfortable length of time after that.

"Wow, and I thought Sheldon was mopey," Penny says with a half-smile, nudging Amy's shoulder.

Her attempts to keep things light aren't completely in vain because Amy does return the smile, if briefly. "I'm sorry, I know I'm not the best company right now."

Bernadette straightens her out about that right away. "Oh, it's ok Amy. We're always happy to hear you out. Sometimes talking through your thoughts is the best way to come to some kind of conclusion."

"I don't think I'm going to be coming to any conclusions tonight," she admits, "but thank you."

"Ok, Ames, enough overthinking for tonight," Penny says with mock sternness. "Less sadness, more half-naked men." She whips out a dvd from her purse. The title is '300' and the cover is splashed with some heavily-muscled, scantily-clad men.

"What's that about?" Amy inquires.

"Does it matter?" Penny answers with an arched brow. They glance to one another and come to a consensus. No, no it does not.

—

* * *

VI.

* * *

At first, Sheldon had felt nothing but relief when he resolved to pursue a sexual relationship with Amy. As he sits in front of his computer now, he feels the first pangs of panic begin to set in. He has no idea whatsoever of what he is doing, and that is an unacceptable state for Sheldon Cooper to find himself in.

As he has done with every other aspect of his life, he decides to begin with research. He refuses to be ill-prepared for anything in life that is important, and there is nothing—no one—more important than Amy.

He's aware of the crude mechanics of the sexual act, of course, but it's clear that there's other, more complicated aspects to the endeavor. It doesn't take much searching for Google to spit out links to overly-graphic representations of coitus. These bodies look nothing like the flat, still drawings that he remembers from reading the 'Gray's Anatomy' textbook in his youth.

Frankly, he finds the vast majority of the imagery off-putting. He isn't surprised, though. Before he held hands with Amy for the first time, the concept had seemed unnecessary and unsanitary. After holding hands with her on a regular basis, he then came to the conclusion that it was actually quite comforting. Hugging and kissing had once seemed inconceivable as well, until he experienced those things with her. Amy, it seems, is a key variable for him. With her, everything is different.

He clicks on one of the more innocuous looking videos. The… actress… in this one is wearing entirely too much makeup. She doesn't seem to be surgically altered, though, and he likes the familiar look of her long, brunette hair. But for the hair on her head, she is otherwise bald, which Sheldon finds peculiar. It might be useful, he supposes, to help get a better idea of female anatomy. The cameraman must agree because before long the camera pans to a rather up-close and personal angle of the young woman's nether regions.

They are only one speculum away from a complete gynecological exam at this point. The woman seems to be having a great time, though, so perhaps it's not quite the same. His mind starts to drift to thoughts of Amy. Would engaging in these activities evoke similar reactions in her? Would Amy look similar to this woman? Fascinating.

His reflections are interrupted by the obnoxious chime of a computer alert. Like the grown man that he is, Sheldon casually pauses and minimizes his browser window of porn before bringing up the window with his mother's Skype call. Supernatural musings are complete hokum, but he can't help the fleeting thought that his mother must have some kind of sixth sense for sinful thoughts.

"Good evening, sweetheart," she greets him with her classic Texan drawl. It appears that she still hasn't quite gotten the hang of using the webcam for Skype calls because the camera is positioned such that he can see straight up her nose.

Fortunately, it looks like she notices this on her screen, and she sits back to a position where he can see her properly. Seeing her familiar face at this moment, when he is feeling so unsure of himself, is comforting. Or at least it would be, if he hadn't just been doing what he'd just been doing.

"Hi, Mom," he returns her greeting and tries to give her a polite smile. It seems that his fake smile is not convincing because her face begins to fill with suspicion.

"So, how are things?" she asks, with narrowed eyes and a tilted head.

Sheldon clears his throat. "Everything is fine." Unsure of what to say and wanting to avoid any more awkward chit chat, he starts to ramble, giving her a long-winded speech about his current physics research. He barely pauses for breath while describing his paper with Leonard and his ongoing foray into the field of dark matter.

"Uh huh. That's all very sciency of you, Son," she responds after he finishes. "So… how's that girl of yours? We are all hoping to get a chance to see her out here soon. When do you think you might get to bringing her 'round?"

Sheldon sighs, realizing that he has not been successful at distracting her. "Um, Amy's great. I'm sure she'll want to see all of you as well." He's trying to act casual, but he can feel his own eyes darting around, aiming anywhere other than at his mother.

"Shelly!" His attention is snapped back to the screen when he hears her call his name. "What's going on? Have the two of you… have you been sinning?" she asks.

"No! Of course not," he replies, figuring that he might as well be indignant while he still has the chance.

He expects her to be pleased, but his mother says, "Why in heavens name not? It's been five years, son!"

Sheldon does not even begin to know how to respond to that.

"I know that I have done my best to extol the virtues of the good Lord's commandments. There is a point, however, where everyone knows that those are… more of a hopeful guideline than a fully achievable standard. A few slip ups are to be expected. Or sometimes something may slip in…"

He wishes that he didn't know what she is talking about. She tilts her head and looks off into the distance for a brief moment and then with a quick inhale through her nose, she continues, "If we want to be redeemed sinners, and of course we do, then a little sin is a necessary ingredient from time to time."

This little spiel of hers is in direct contradiction to every super strict piece of conservatism that he can ever remember her attempting to instill in him. It does, however, match the rampant hypocrisy that he has witnessed among many who claim themselves to be pious.

"That's absurd."

"No darlin', that's life."

* * *

—


	3. Chapter 3

—

* * *

VII.

* * *

When Penny enters 4A, she is stunned at the sight that greets her. Tall, lanky Sheldon has somehow managed to stuff his lower body into a pair of trousers that resemble the style Howard wears, and he has even completed the look with a large Batman belt buckle. She remembers how Amy had once compared Sheldon to a sexy preying mantis. With his long spindly legs on display in those awful pants, Penny can find herself spotting the resemblance. Well, she can agree with the preying mantis part, anyway, but not so much the word 'sexy'. There is nothing sexy about this.

"I see the guys have gotten a chance to speak with you before Bernadette and me. How did you ever even get yourself into those?"

Sheldon is bent over a bit at the waist, leaning against the kitchen island. He's out of breath. Apparently, getting into those pants must have been quite a challenge. "Baby powder and sheer force of will," he gasps out.

Penny bites her lip in an effort to stifle a guffaw. "I'm almost afraid to ask this, but how the hell did you come to believe that this would be a good idea?"

"They do feel a bit… restrictive, but, well, it's a look that worked for Wolowitz. He always seemed rather hopeless with the ladies, but he did ultimately find success with Bernadette. At the moment, I'm willing to do anything that might help secure things with Amy."

"Bernadette loves him in spite of those pants, not because of them, I assure you."

"So, maybe this isn't such a good idea?" He looks down at himself, his voice sounding so insecure for someone who's usually such an arrogant know-it-all.

"Sweetie, those pants aren't a good idea on any man." It's difficult, but she manages to stifle a snicker.

"Very well," he sighs. "To be honest, that's a relief—in more ways than one. It does, however, leave me as a man without a plan."

"You don't exactly need a plan. I mean, not for something like this. It's impossible for you to seduce Amy, or whatever you want to call this..." She gesticulates at his improbable attire. "You can't seduce someone who is already in love with you and who already wants to be intimate with you."

Penny supposes that this truth is at odds with what the guys were trying to tell him, and she knows he'll need a little further prodding to figure out what's really going on. He continues to stand in front of her, looking uncomfortable with the situation in so many ways. Maybe he'll feel a little more relaxed for this conversation if she can get him to sit in his spot.

"Here, sit," she waves in invitation. She's surprised to see him look panicked at the thought. That's weird. He loves that spot. "What?"

"Penny, have you seen the size and placement of this belt buckle? I don't know how Howard does it. If I sit down in this getup, I fear this whole conversation will surely be for naught. The word 'unman' comes to mind…"

She has tried her best but can take it no longer. Penny bursts out laughing in Sheldon's discouraged face.

"I'll just go change," he says, shuffling off towards his room. Seeing him waddle over there with his knees and hips refusing to bend, makes her giggle all the more.

By the time he is done peeling himself out of that thing and redressing, she has regained her composure. He returns to the room and flops into his spot with a relieved sigh.

"Have you spoken to Amy?" he asks, even though she is sure that he already knows her answer.

"Yes, of course."

"How is she?"

"I don't think I should really break her trust in me by divulging anything that we have talked about," Penny says primly, examining her manicure.

He gives her the most skeptical look that she can ever remember seeing on his face. It's even worse than that time she tried to talk to him about horoscopes and astrology.

"Penny, you know and I know that Amy knows that you are going to tell all."

It's Sheldon, so she's certain that that is a complete sentence, but she's having difficulty piecing together what it means.

"Huh?"

He sighs. "When Amy discusses things with you, she knows your tendency for loose-lipped gossip-mongering."

Oh, ok. It's an insult. She wants to act pissed about it, but it's kind of true.

"Therefore when she talked to you about our relationship, she knew that it would ultimately get back to me. Think of it as an _a priori_ kind of permission granted signal that she chose to confide in you regardless."

"Huh? Never mind. Yeah, she probably does know that you and I sometimes chat. I'm not sure there's much for me to tell you anyway. She's confused, but you know that because you are the source of the confusion. Of course, if she could only see your willingness to pretzel yourself into those ridiculous pants, maybe her faith in you would be restored."

Sheldon glances back towards his room with a fearful expression. "Do you think I should-"

"No! Do not actually go over to her in those pants! But if you do, make sure I get a picture of you here before you go." She smirks. "We can update your Facebook profile."

He narrows his eyes at her for a moment but offers no comment about her suggestion. Before long, he is staring at his hands in his lap, looking lost again. She still isn't used to seeing him in a dejected state. He's usually so over-the-top confident.

"Did she tell you what she finds confusing?" he mumbles.

"Yes, but I think you already know what she finds confusing, don't you?"

He nods.

"You guys have been together for five years. That's a long time. And yet, she still needs to explain to you that it's important for you both to reside on the same planet. She feels like she's always pushing you guys forward, while you try to desperately dig your heels in. Hell, a PG-rated sleepover should not be something that stresses you out at this point. It's a little disheartening, you know? She has always wanted you so badly, while you… well… don't exactly return the sentiment."

"I was going to ask her to marry me. I had a ring and everything."

Holy shit! Now this is something that Penny did not know. There is no way that Amy has any idea either. She swats his arm and tries to force herself to close her gaping mouth. It's just so stunning, so hard to believe…

"Sheldon, what the hell?" she squeaks out.

"You can't tell her about this," he replies, sounding adamant.

"Well, you know and I know..." she teases. Her voice trails off when Sheldon glares at her.

It occurs to her that she should have him clarify things. Who knows what bone-headed plot he may have come up with. "Wait. This isn't just some stupid plan for a platonic marriage, is it?"

"Of course not, don't be absurd. I've been thinking about this for a long time-"

"But I mean, you would be planning on doing it with her, right? Coitus, making whoopee, sexy times, getting it on, fucking…?"

It's Sheldon's turn to look at her with his mouth agape. He looks away and only gives her a few brief glances to the side when he answers, "I would prefer that you not be so crass, but yes, that is the general idea."

She has no idea how two such brilliant people could have so much difficulty with something that should be so simple. "I know this sounds crazy, but have you considered just informing her of all that?"

"If I try to tell her all of this now, she's going to think that I'm proposing to smooth things over, don't you think?"

That seems likely, and Penny nods. "She might think that you're feeling pressured to act. I really think she is doing all of this so that you will never feel pressured again. She wants you to make your decisions freely. Proposing now might seem a bit… excessive. Frankly, I think she is trying to come to some decisions of her own about your relationship."

Sheldon looks up at this, looking more nervous then he did when he was considering wearing those pants. He sounds very serious when he says, "She can't do that. Not yet. If she's going to make a proper decision, she is going to need more data."

—-

* * *

VIII.

* * *

The timer on the microwave beeps, alerting Amy that her meal is ready. She gets out a plate. Maybe dishing it up will make her lonely woman's Lean Cuisine feel a little bit less pathetic. She elects to have a glass of Strawberry Quik from her refrigerator to wash down her meal. There's probably enough sugar in that stuff to preserve it indefinitely, but she doesn't want to risk it going bad while she and Sheldon are apart.

It's another thrilling evening she has planned, _Little House on the Prairie_ reruns and perhaps some reading of Chaucer later. In honor of the evenings pitiful outlook, she has put on her ugliest, but most comfortable old nightgown. It is ripped in a few places and stained as well. She remembers the last time her mother came up to visit and smiles at the thought of how much her mom had hated this outfit.

She isn't smiling anymore when she hears a distinctive pattern of knocks on her front door. Her mother had been right—she should have thrown this nightgown out! After a quick dash to her room for an emergency robe, she makes her way to the front door.

Sheldon looks a little nervous and frazzled when she opens the door. It's not an unusual look for him. She is surprised that he has violated her request for time apart, but she's also immensely relieved to see him. She has missed him so much.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your evening," he says, polite as ever.

"It's fine, Sheldon. Come in." She opens the door wider and gestures for him to enter.

He comes to a stop near her kitchen and keeps shifting his weight from foot to foot, his ever-present messenger bag strapped over the front of his body. "I know that you had requested some time and space from me to evaluate our relationship…"

He pauses there, and she nods. She's curious about what could possible be bringing him around to see her. He has been quite good so far about honoring her request.

"It has come to my attention," he continues, "that, in the course of your time away, you might be trying to make some important decisions."

He has stopped wiggling from foot to foot, and instead he is now pacing back and forth in the small space between her front door and kitchen countertop. She wants to grab his shoulders and make him stand still, but one doesn't simply grab Sheldon Cooper.

"To that end, I have a… suggestion. If you are going to be formulating a hypothesis in regards to our relationship, it is essential for you to have the correct set of data." He has stopped pacing and is now facing her with an intent look on his face. He does not stop staring at her face while he removes his messenger bag and sets it on the floor.

She has absolutely no idea what he is talking about, which is also not all that unusual. Data collection? Hypothesis? Maybe he wants her input about another tv show, or perhaps he wants to debate some recent scientific study.

"A social experiment?" she guesses. It's a complete stab in the dark. Really, he could be referring to anything.

He takes a few steps closer to her, and she feels her lower back dig into the countertop as she steps back in counterpoint.

"Of a sort," he answers, before he leans down and kisses her.

She is so shocked by his action that her mouth is left open in surprise. To her even greater astonishment, instead of recoiling from her open mouth, Sheldon has chosen to invade it with his tongue.

Startled, she goes to put her hands up to his chest, but there is no space at all between their bodies. During their previous kissing encounters, he has always placed his hands on her hips. There is nothing typical about this kiss, however, and Sheldon soon grabs her rear end with both hands before hoisting her onto the edge of the countertop.

With her nightgown-trapped knees now blocking his body, she misses the feeling of him pressed up against her. She doesn't miss it for long, though. He takes the hem of her nightgown and pulls it up to the top of her thighs, freeing her legs, and after a brief, suggestive nudge of his hips, she is more than happy to make a space for him.

Even through a few layers of clothing, the feeling of him pressed so intimately between her legs forces the breath from her lungs, and she has to turn her head from his kiss to gulp for air. Despite her shock, she has the wherewithal to wrap her arms around his back and her legs around his waist in encouragement.

She wants to focus on the moment, but her brain can't help wandering to that ever-present question: What the hell, Sheldon? It's so stunningly unexpected that she starts to wonder if he's been replaced by an alien replicant, or some kind of clone. Or maybe she has slipped into some alternate universe. Sheldon certainly doesn't seem to be himself. He doesn't even notice when he plants the side of his right hand down, and it lands in the remnants of her pasta primavera.

Oh well, might as well get another stain on this old thing, she thinks maniacally, when he reaches that same hand up to fondle her left breast over the layers of her clothing. At last, she feels her brain settle down into non-thought as his hips grind a steady rhythm against her.

She should feel embarrassed, in theory, when her body soon convulses in ecstasy. There's no point, though, because within a minute of her doing so, Sheldon has embarrassed himself as well.

He rests his forehead against hers while he tries to control his breathing. She isn't faring much better as she pants right back at him. Eventually they calm down, but their eyes remain locked. Hers are starting to burn from the complete lack of blinking.

If there's a right thing to say at a moment like this, Amy has no idea what it would be. She had wondered, a bit earlier, if this was actually her Sheldon. The overwhelming awkwardness that she's experiencing with him now assures her that this one is hers.

He takes a half-step backward before he becomes distracted staring down at her thighs. His left hand is still grasping her bare upper-right leg, and he seems captivated by the sight. She hopes that his attention won't wander down to her lower leg with that same level of scrutiny because she has not shaved her legs in days. Why would she?

She clears her throat even though she still has not formulated words. The sound jerks Sheldon back to attention, and he takes a full step back while gently arranging her nightgown and robe back down her legs. She shifts her knees back together, and he helps her slide back down to her feet.

At that moment, she sees him become aware of the assorted messes they have made. He reaches for her kitchen hand towel and wipes the remaining primavera sauce from off of his hand. Glancing down, she sees him notice the glaring wet spot on his fly. He spies her striped cardigan draped on a nearby chair and points at it.

"May I borrow this?"

His voice sounds funny, but she supposes hers would sound no better. She doesn't test her own vocal chords and instead nods her assent. He proceeds to wrap the cardigan around his waist and ties it together by the arms. It is in no way subtle.

"I just… I just wanted you to know…" he begins, running his hand through his hair. Walking over to her again, he takes her hand and continues, "I didn't want you to make any important decisions without having all of the necessary data. Um… but I guess now I should leave you to your thoughts..."

Once again she nods in response, feeling dumb in the old-fashioned sense of the word. She supposes there will probably be useful thoughts in her brain someday that she will be able to articulate.

He surprises her one last time with a quick kiss to the lips. Turning on his heel, he snags his messenger bag and arranges it in front of his cardigan-clad groin. He stops one last time at the door and turns back to her. "I love you," he says, before stumbling through it.

She remains mute the entire time. Only one thought seems to be able to stick in her mind: Fascinating.

* * *

—-

* * *

Notes: I couldn't picture Sheldon and Amy's first forays into sexual intimacy as being anything other than awkward and bumbling. My goal here, and for the rest of this story, is to make their experiences seem realistic as opposed to idealistic. Comments and criticism are welcome.


	4. Chapter 4

—

* * *

IX.

* * *

Sheldon is hoping to make an inconspicuous entrance when he arrives at his apartment. He isn't surprised to find that Raj, Howard, and Leonard are already present and setting up the Wii console for vintage video game night. Perhaps they won't notice his unusual attire.

"That's quite a fetching cardigan sarong you've got there," Howard pipes up when Sheldon tries to rush by. Of course it would be Howard that notices.

He ignores the comment and continues making a beeline to his room. After gathering some clothes, he stops by the bathroom. When he emerges a few minutes later, all three sets of eyes follow his progress as he walks over to sit in his spot.

Leonard makes the opening gambit. "You're late."

"You're late for vintage video game night," Raj expands.

"You're late for vintage video game night, you're never late for anything, and you came in here wearing a piece of your woman's clothes." Howard leaves little room for Sheldon to feign ignorance.

He decides to give it a shot anyway. "Yes. I am. And I was."

"I didn't think that you and our favorite little neurobiologist were currently on speaking terms. It appears that you have, in fact, had a meeting, no?" Raj is feigning innocence as well, it seems.

What is it about people sometimes? Do they all have some kind of weird radar for detecting sexual activity around them? Sheldon can feel his face heating up, which is only going to make it more obvious to them that he is trying to hide something. He glances from face to face. His friends have been going out of their way trying to help him hack through the twisted jungle of human intimacy. Maybe it would be best to update them on his progress.

"We did have an encounter, of sorts. It was important that she not go about making decisions about our relationship without considering all of the relevant information."

"Dude, this is the worst sex story ever! Did you make a move or not?" Raj prods.

"Well, in the interest of insuring that she had the proper data with which to formulate a hypothesis, I did initiate contact in her kitchen."

They just stare at him.

He clears his throat and continues, "Things… escalated, and culminated in assorted… frottage."

"What!? You dry humped Amy in her kitchen?" Howard sounds like he can't believe that Sheldon really did that.

"Well, yes. But it sounds vulgar when you put it like that. Would it kill you all to use the proper terminology for things?"

"If anyone could use some vulgarity in their life, it would be you." Raj sounds oddly proud, which Sheldon finds a bit creepy.

Leonard comes to his rescue, sort of. "Ok guys, let's back off. Sheldon, we're happy for you. If there's anything you want to know, or ask us about, we'll be glad to help. On behalf of all of humanity, we have purchased some condoms for you. Please use them. They're on your bedside table."

Sheldon is relieved that he will not have to make that embarrassing trip to CVS. In fact, he's so relieved that he is willing to overlook what he suspects is an insult about his and Amy's potential progeny.

They proceed to have a wild race of MarioKart, with Sheldon's Mario finishing in last place, as usual. It's a close race, though, with Raj's Princess Peach just edging out Howard's baby Luigi. A last minute Pow block had taken out Howard, while Leonard's Bowser had spun out uselessly on a banana peel.

He is pleased to feel the chaos of the evening settle back into the normal harmony of a typical video game evening. Throughout the next few games of Wii archery, bowling, and basketball, however, he notices that Howard is still glancing at him from time to time.

"What?" he asks at last, annoyed with the continued scrutiny.

"I always expected you to freak out if you got that far with Amy. Like a robot that got its wires crossed or something," Howard says, squinting at Sheldon like he's not quite real.

"Why should I freak out?"

"I don't know. You always talked about sex as if it were some terrible, debasing act that only mindless troglodytes would engage in. It's weird to think of you as happily down in the muck with the rest of us."

Sheldon contemplates that for a moment, recognizing that he has made such comments in the past. Unable to articulate more clearly, he can only shrug and say, "It's different now. It's Amy."

All three of them smile at this, and he feels Howard slap him on the back twice as he stands up to leave. After he takes a few steps towards the door, he turns back to Sheldon with an odd look on his face, as if he is about to convey great wisdom.

"It's lower than you think," he says knowingly, with a tilt to his head.

Sheldon is confused. He is pleased to see that his other friends appear equally puzzled. After a moment or two, however, he sees a kind of recognition come over Leonard's face, and he nods agreement at Howard. Raj follows suit in a similar way.

Exasperated, Sheldon gives up and rolls his eyes at their nonsense. "Am I supposed to know what that means?"

"Not yet, but you will," Howard says, as he makes his way out the door.

-—

* * *

X.

* * *

"He did NOT!" Penny exclaims, after Amy updates her friends on the events of the previous evening.

Amy can hardly believe it herself. For a short time, she had even wondered if the entire experience might have been some hormone-addled hallucination. Eventually she had concluded that it must have been real because there is no way that she would have been caught dead in that outfit in her fantasies.

"How was it?" Bernadette inquires, staring at her with a disbelieving expression.

If ever there had been cause to set up an impromptu girls' night, it was for something like this. Amy glances over to her kitchen, to the scene of the… incident, and contemplates what to divulge to her two nosy comrades.

"Um… unexpected. Weird. Kind of awesome," she answers. The girls' previous comparison of Sheldon to The Flash had turned out to be spot on, but she's not going to tell them that, of course. It'll be her and Sheldon's little secret. It's not like she's got cause to judge. After all, she had beaten him to the finish line.

"Wow." Penny still sounds flabbergasted. "I mean, I knew he was thinking about taking some action here, but…" Her voice trails off and she reaches for her glass of wine.

"Wait a minute. What do you mean 'he was thinking about taking some action'? Have you two been trying to push Sheldon about this? I'm sure he's told everyone about our time apart, but did you or the guys talk him into this?"

The tone of her voice seems to penetrate Penny's mildly drunken haze because she jerks to attention. "What? No! Well, I mean yes. We talked... but it never occurred to me that he would actually listen!"

Amy feels devastated. This is the last thing she ever wanted to have happen, for Sheldon to feel some obligation to her. She feels Penny's arm wrap around her shoulders.

"Sweetie, I promise you, it is not like you're thinking. He did this because he wanted to. That man never does anything that he doesn't want to do. I'm sure you know that by now."

Amy can't deny the truth of that. Trying to make Sheldon do anything is like trying to move Everest with a hand shovel and a sand bucket. It is unlikely that his friends would have been able to influence him to any significant degree.

"You're right. It's just a bit of a sensitive topic for me," she concedes, with her nose pinched between her thumb and forefinger.

They continue to drink more wine, and Penny outpaces them both, as per usual.

After a few moments of quiet reprieve, Bernadette is first to continue the inquisition. "So, what's next? You told us that Sheldon is insistent about wanting to provide you with 'accurate data'. How do you next plan to… further your studies? Are you going to call him up and request more 'data'?"

Amy hasn't really thought that through yet. "I'm not sure what to do," she admits.

"Get drunk and text him!" Penny hollers, her voice a drunken, enthusiastic slur.

At first, Amy is appalled by the idea, but she is just buzzed enough that she starts to consider it.

"Ooh, I know! You could send him a link to your last fanfic," Bernadette says with a smirk.

Amy gives her the most stern expression that she can muster up. "Absolutely not. We've been over this. The first rule of fanfic is that you don't talk about the fanfic. Seriously, do not out me to Sheldon."

Penny lunges for Amy's iPhone. After a brief tussle, Amy, being less intoxicated, emerges victorious. She glares at Penny, but the effect is wasted because her friend's eyes aren't focusing all that well after too much wine. In fact, when Penny goes to sit back on the couch, she half misses the seat, and her butt hits the floor with a thud.

Apparently it must not be worth the effort to try to get back up. Speaking from her seat on the floor, she says, "Come on, Amy, we can think of some kind of message to send!"

Amy does want to see Sheldon again as soon as possible. Since she is the one who had requested some time apart, she knows that she will need to be the one to reach out and start to bridge the gap.

Bernadette must be pretty drunk too because she pipes up to agree with Penny's lunacy. "I think she's right. We can come up with some kind of innuendo-laced, racy sext message, don't you think?"

"Ladies, Sheldon thinks that 'Hi, how's your morning?' is a racy piece of sexting. And there's no way he would be able to decipher innuendo." She sighs. "I'll just invite him over for a movie night or something."

Penny and Bernadette look disappointed at that.

"Tell him you have something important to show him, at least," Penny begs, and then she tries to waggle her eyebrows. She's so drunk that it doesn't quite work out, and she looks more like she's having some kind of weird seizure.

"Or tell him you require further persuasion and that he should stop by with more… hard facts for you," Bernadette adds.

Amy thinks it over, and then bobs her head in assent. Sheldon won't understand the meaning behind the message, of course, but she does indeed have many things that she wishes to share with him, and she certainly hopes that he has some things to share with her as well.

* * *

-—


	5. Chapter 5

—

* * *

XI.

* * *

Sheldon is about 20 minutes into the series premiere of _The Flash_ when his phone dings to indicate a text message. Seeing that it's from Amy, he fumbles for the remote to turn off the show. He feels a little silly for the impulse because it's not like she can catch him via text, watching this show that had precipitated their problems. Their issues aren't really about this tv show anyway, but he can't stop the reflex urge to get rid of it before reading Amy's communication.

The request for a movie night fills him with happiness. He hopes that this is a sign that she plans to re-establish their relationship in its entirety very soon.

Her message mentions that she needs to show him something. Intriguing. New research, perhaps? Her final words are a request for further data, something about hard facts. Sheldon isn't sure what that could be about. He's kind of surprised that she hasn't referenced their previous… liaison. He would've thought she would go full girl-mode on him and want to talk about it.

With that train of thought, suddenly what she's hinting at occurs to him. Oh.

Sheldon is still sitting in a contemplative daze when Leonard comes in. His roommate bobs his head in greeting before going about his everyday activities. From the corner of his eye, he can see the little man make himself a late dinner. After he finishes eating, Leonard checks his email and pays a few bills online. The entire time he is busy, Sheldon remains quiet, thinking.

"Rebooting?" Leonard asks, breaking into Sheldon's contemplation.

That question seems rude, and it deserves only one answer. "I'm not a robot!"

"Calm down, it's just a joke. I know you're not a robot. I just didn't think that you knew that. If anything, I figured you'd take it as a compliment."

There was a time when that would have been true, but Sheldon is very aware of how human he is these days. He sighs as he gets to his feet and heads towards his room.

He has a little project to attend to. First gathering the necessary materials from his bedside table, he then proceeds to the bathroom and locks himself inside.

It's a daunting prospect, but Sheldon refuses to be ill-prepared. He's all thumbs when he tries to rip open the little foil packet, but eventually he is able to remove the condom. With his empty hand, he undoes his pants and drops them to the floor. There's still one more problem to address before he can attempt this. Inconvenient more often than not, he does find it rather easy to bring his soldier to attention as of late. Contemplating his recent dalliance with Amy does the trick with ease, and he is able to roll the weird thing onto his body.

Looking down at himself, he feels ridiculous, like some kind of x-rated clown show. Why on earth did his friends buy him neon green ones?

Even that brief thought of clowns is enough to make it easy to remove the silly thing, so he sets it on the countertop and then does up his pants. Fully dressed, he stares at the latex on the countertop, a deflated looking balloon now. Balloon…

It's juvenile, of course, but he's not going to let that stop him. He shuffles over to the sink and fills the latex with water. Tying off the end, he tosses it into the bathtub. He's sad to see that it doesn't burst, but rolls to an anticlimactic stop instead. Admittedly, it must be for the best that these items are more durable than that. Trying again, he fills a second one up much more, the volume of water stretching the latex enough that it should overcome the tensile strength of the material upon impact. Before launching this one, he spies Darth Vader staring at him from Leonard's shampoo bottle. He sets the evil one down onto the bottom of the tub and then takes aim. Grenade!

This one explodes with a satisfying 'pop', flooding the Dark Side lord with water. Take that, you villainous bastard!

—

* * *

XII.

* * *

Leonard has been living with Sheldon for over a decade now. It's more than long enough for him to be certain that he does not want to know what that weirdo is up to in the bathroom. When he hears an odd splashing sound and an evil cackle, his curiosity is momentarily piqued. He thinks better of it in an instant, though. It's got to be for the best not to know.

It's not long before he hears his friend emerge and scamper down the hallway. A few minutes after that, Sheldon comes out of his room. He has a giant grin on his face and he is carrying his theremin. Please God, no, Leonard pleads. If there is a God, He isn't listening right now. Or perhaps God has wisely chosen temporary deafness, because Sheldon plugs in the awful contraption and begins to play. If you can call it playing, anyway.

"What are you doing?" he shouts over what he thinks might be some kind of love song, of all things.

"Practicing."

Leonard yanks out the cord and blessed silence fills the room. "You might as well just find an old-fashioned chalkboard and run your fingernails over it!"

"I thought Amy might appreciate some romantic music. A little serenade—"

"Look, Sheldon, don't you know how to play the piano?"

"Yes, but that's not very unique."

"You're plenty unique enough already, trust me."

Sheldon shrugs, looking a bit dejected. His face soon lights up again when he asks, "How about the bongos?"

Leonard isn't sure if he'll ever get used to seeing his roommate so smiley all the time. It still freaks him out. "That's a great idea," he replies with a sarcastic tone, "if your goal is to annoy her into submission."

It looks like he's thinking it over. "Do you think that would work?"

Leonard sighs. "Amy is already crazy about you. And I do mean crazy. You do not need to annoy her in any special way beyond your usual."

"But Raj recommended music, dancing, and a home cooked meal. He's planning to help me cook something the next time I invite Amy over for a date night."

"Music, dancing, and food are great. This…" Leonard gestures to the theremin, "no. Just, no."

—

* * *

XIII.

* * *

The next day passes in a boring blur. Sheldon misses having lunch with Amy in her lab, but he reminds himself that he will be seeing her that very evening.

A few hours later, a movie night sounds like a peaceful, relaxing evening to Sheldon's mind. His body, however, seems to have plans of its own. He paces outside Amy's apartment door, cursing his body's inconvenient presumption. He hopes that this won't become a permanent issue in her presence, some kind of perverted, Pavlovian response.

Feeling like he's fourteen years old all over again, he tucks the offending body part up under his waistband. It's still pretty obvious in these pants, but he can't think of another solution right now, and he doesn't want to be late to knock on her door. Punctuality is essential, so Sheldon shifts his messenger bag forward to further shield his embarrassment. He knocks on the door, calling her name three times, as is proper.

Amy greets him with a happy smile, and he sees that she is wearing her typical attire—a skirt, blouse, and cardigan. He steps into the apartment and she shuts the door behind them. The normality of the moment is immensely comforting and leaves him feeling hopeful that their brief time apart is coming to a permanent end.

"Can I take your jacket?" she offers politely, and his relief flits away. She holds her arms out and starts to look confused when he hesitates. Sheldon reminds himself that he wants her to know this about him, about the future of their relationship. Besides, she's a neurobiologist, and she's no doubt well aware of the sometimes inconvenient realities of the male body. She will not be offended.

With a resigned sigh, he slides off his messenger bag and hands it to her before removing his coat and passing it over as well. He can tell when she notices his predicament because she freezes in place instead of moving to hang up his coat.

He wonders if Hallmark makes a greeting card for moments like this. Something like: 'Sorry that my penis is whooping it up without a care in the world. I'm not really in control of him right now either. Love, Sheldon.'

Her cheeks are bright pink, and he supposes his probably are as well. She starts mumbling a few facts about biology as she stumbles across the room to put his things in the closet. He is not surprised to hear her ramble on in an attempt to make him feel better. When her lips get around to using the phrases 'autonomic response' and 'parasympathetic nervous system', it only makes his condition worse, for some reason.

After a time, she must realize that babbling on about the subject is only ratcheting up the awkwardness level because she stops mid-sentence and changes the subject. "Um… I found that _The Flash_ tv show is available on Hulu Plus. We can stream that instead of a movie if you'd like." She waves her hand in the direction of the tv. Walking over to the couch, she plops herself down and starts fiddling with the remote to set up the evening's entertainment.

Sheldon is stunned. This woman never ceases to amaze him with what she does for him. He knows that he had hurt her feelings, talking about this show at such an inopportune time, and here she is offering to watch it with him now for no other reason than to make him happy.

He sits on the couch next to her and stills her hand on the remote. He has the overwhelming desire to offer her his understanding in return. "I'm sorry," he chokes out, "about our anniversary. I know that what I did, what I have so often done, made you think that I didn't want you. That's not… it's not the case at all." He doesn't know how to finish his thought, how to explain the unbearable weirdness of having these feelings for her after spending so many years thinking that such things were not a part of him.

She must understand, even the things that he can't find words for, because she smiles at his mediocre explanation. Reminding himself that he must no longer be afraid, he reaches for her and pulls her into a close hug. He does so because it's her, because he can, and because he wants to. She embraces him back just as tightly, and he finds himself relaxing as a few long moments pass. Eventually, he pulls back far enough that he can see her face.

Because it's her, he decides to lean down and find her lips with his own. Because he can, he unbuttons her cardigan and tugs it off her arms. Because he wants to, he gently takes her hand, and guides her to explore the 'hard data' that she had requested in last night's text.

She's bolder than he would have expected, and she unbuttons and unzips his pants rather than exploring him over his clothing. He had never really considered it before, what it would be like to have her see him like this. It's an absurdly vulnerable feeling. Part of him wants to ask, to find out if she finds this part of him aesthetically pleasing, but he can't bring himself to do it. Instead, he continues to watch her face. She is staring in rapt fascination, which he hopes is a good sign.

She traces the length of him with her index finger and seems to zero in right on the most sensitive region of all. With what little thought remains in his brain, he remembers that, given her work, she would have a thorough mental map of the body's nervous system.

Putting that knowledge to use now, she takes hold of him with her entire hand and begins to work him inexorably towards ecstasy. When he reaches the point when he thinks that he won't last for one second longer, she stills her movements. She leans closer and starts kissing his mouth with enthusiasm, and soon enough she returns to her previous efforts. The next time that he is close, he feels her back off again. It is annoying, but also amazing, and she starts in again before long. This time he wraps his hand around hers, because he doesn't think that he can take that kind of teasing much longer.

He has to break the kiss to gasp for air, and when he does, he spies a curious smirk on her face. Impossible to stop at last, he has one final thought: the upholstery!

But brilliant, ever-prepared Amy is a step ahead of him, and she reaches over him with her other hand, already armed with a kleenex. She adeptly catches his mess and then tosses the tissue into the wastebasket.

As he regains his senses, he becomes aware of her sitting patiently next to him. That was nothing at all like his hasty shower ablutions. It occurs to him that reciprocity is in order, but first he takes a moment to fix his clothing.

After righting himself, he turns to Amy and sees that her breathing is rapid and her cheeks are flushed bright pink. That seems promising. Still, he has no idea whatsoever of where to begin. If she's feeling at all like he has this evening, then he supposes he ought to get right to it.

He leans over and starts kissing her again, figuring that he can at least be sure that he is doing this one familiar thing right. Feeling brave, he grabs her hips and yanks her off balance, toppling her onto her back. This skirt is much tighter than the nightgown she wore a few days ago, so Sheldon has a little more difficulty working it up over her hips. Once her legs are freed, he encourages her to shift one to each side of his body, leaving him sitting between her spread knees. Amy is staring at him, speechless, but she looks at his face with an enthralled expression, a feeling that he can relate to.

Her underwear is still in the way. Amy didn't let his get in her way, so he decides to bypass it in a similar manner and reach his hand around the fabric between her legs. She is warm and slippery, and he wishes that he could see what he is doing. After a moment or two, he realizes that he must have found a sensitive area because she takes a sharp breath in and wraps her leg more firmly around his torso. He decides to focus his attentions there, and she rewards him with more happy gasps. Soon her chest is heaving up and down, and he really, really wishes that he'd had the foresight to remove more than her cardigan from her upper body.

Overcome with curiosity, he can't resist letting his fingers wander off to try to find the entrance to her body. His first attempt must be off the mark because he sees her wince a bit. Oops. Reaching farther down, he is able to slip a finger inside of her, and he feels her body grip it with strong internal muscles.

Huh. That's much lower than he had thought.

Amy seems to appreciate his attentions in this area, but he decides to shift his thumb to stimulate her in multiple areas at once. When her legs start to tremble, he considers backing off like she did to him, but the look in her eyes is pretty fierce, and he decides he'd rather live.

He knows that his efforts have achieved success when he feels her body clamp down even harder on his fingers. Her body pulses for quite some time, to a point where it starts to seem unfair. Once her body calms down, he slips his hand away.

After she catches her breath, he helps Amy right her skirt and sit up. She seems a little out of sorts, perhaps embarrassed. There's no reason for her to feel awkward, but it's easy for him to understand the sentiment. It does feel strange to have shared something like that, and he doesn't know quite what to say. Breaking the weird tension, she excuses herself for a moment to use the bathroom. Sheldon takes the opportunity to tidy up a bit as well, but he finishes faster than she does and is sitting on the couch for a few minutes before she appears in the living room again.

Upon her return, she walks over to the couch and settles down near him. She clears her throat and then speaks, at last. "I checked. _The Flash_ is made for, and airs on, The CW. I wouldn't want you to get into a show that airs on NBC, after all. Nothing kills a series like airing on NBC, and I know how you hate to leave something unfinished."

He smiles at that and pulls her in close to lean against his body. She rests her head on his shoulder, and together they begin watching the adventures of _The Flash._

* * *

—

* * *

Author jibber-jabber: Amy's right. NBC sucks recently. It's like a tv show graveyard over there.

'It's lower than you think' is a phrase I've seen on various forums a few times over the years as advice that experienced men give to virgin men. I've always found it hilarious, and I was trying to capture the male perspective this chapter so I thought it would fit in well. Also, it seemed like something that Howard would say.

Writing M scenes is weird. Feel free to comment and let me know how I'm doing!


	6. Chapter 6

—

* * *

XIV.

* * *

"Think of cooking as a form of art," Raj begins, waxing poetically about one of his favorite hobbies. He doesn't get a chance to finish his thought, though, before Sheldon interrupts.

"Ugh. Really, Raj? Art?" He scoffs and shakes his head.

Raj rolls his eyes. It's been less than a minute since they started, and the guy is already being annoying.

For this evening, Sheldon has requested to learn how to make pasta primavera, which should be simple enough. To pair with it, Raj has brought along a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio. Since he wants to make it through the evening without resorting to throwing food in his friend's face, he decides to open the wine so that he can have a sip each time Sheldon pisses him off.

Setting down his glass after this first sip of the day, he remembers his other plan to make up for having to deal with any of Sheldon's antics this evening. From his grocery bag, he pulls out an apron and hands it over. "Here. Make sure you wear this right up until you eat. It's difficult to get primavera sauce stains out of clothing."

Sheldon looks down at the proffered garment and examines the text on it before putting it on. "I didn't know they made science ones. It seems a little oversimplified, but so be it."

Raj clears his throat to cover up a snort. "Anyhow, where were we. Ah, yes. Ok, let's try thinking of cooking as a form of chemistry." From there, he explains to a much more interested Sheldon all about the where's and why's and how's of cooking. This goes over much better, and before long, Sheldon has the sauce simmering on the stove, and he moves on to prep the vegetables.

Watching him chop vegetables is excruciating. He's obsessive-compulsive about it, trying to make sure everything ends up the same exact size. Unfortunately, he's not used to using a knife, so it's slow going. Raj winces at his terrible technique. When he finishes, he still has all of his fingers, so Raj decides to count it as a success. He takes another swig of wine anyway.

He continues to offer instructions while Sheldon coats the vegetables with oil and seasoning before putting them in the oven to roast. The only other thing left to do is boil some water and cook the pasta. Even the most clueless person on Earth can do that. Raj decides to keep an eye on him anyway.

That part goes well enough, although Sheldon insists on standing right next to the stove and stirring way more than necessary. It's just irritating enough that Raj pours himself another drink.

When everything is done, there's nothing to do but toss the pasta, sauce, and vegetables together. It's got to be the simplest step of all, but somehow Sheldon makes the thirty second task take two entire minutes.

"We aren't going to make dessert?" he asks, sounding disappointed when Raj informs him that they're all done.

While he is pleased that his friend has taken to the whole cooking process enough that he wants to continue, Raj has had quite enough. "I did consider that. Originally, I was going to teach you the valuable skill of making a proper pie crust. Fortunately, I regained my sanity before I could make that suggestion," he says. Sheldon looks like he isn't sure whether to be offended. Not giving him a chance to figure it out, Raj continues, "There's gelato in the freezer. Don't worry, it's delicious."

Amy is due to arrive in about twenty more minutes, so he suggests that Sheldon keep the meal warm in the oven. With these minutes to spare, he helps gather a few candles and select some music that Amy might actually like. After explaining that the Star Trek theme song is not appropriate and that the Star Wars soundtrack is not considered romantic, Raj helps him put together a respectable playlist. He wants to download 'Baby Got Back' or maybe 'The Thong Song' to sneak in there, but Sheldon is paying too much attention. When he turns away for a brief moment, Raj does manage to grab an awkward song or two from Sheldon's existing library, just because he can. Clicking the evidence away, he pours himself one last drink.

They're both startled when the front door flies open. It's too early for Amy, who is every bit as punctual as her boyfriend, and everyone knows that Leonard is working late tonight. It's not too surprising, then, to see Penny barge in.

"Oh my God, what smells so good?" she asks, rushing over towards the kitchen.

Sheldon narrows his eyes. "It's dinner, of course."

"Nice apron," she says with a smirk on her face. "But anyway, what are we having?"

"Amy and I are having pasta primavera. You are having whatever you make for yourself. Ramen? Easy mac? Whatever. Goodbye." Sheldon gestures to the front door, a non-subtle request for her to depart.

By the look of her, Penny's not having it. She points her finger. "Wait! First I want to talk to you, mister! What's going on with you and Amy? She won't tell me anything all of a sudden, and she usually tells me everything. And I do mean everything, even when I'd rather she didn't."

Sheldon doesn't give her an answer, so she keeps at it. "Come on! If she's being all tight lipped now, that means there's something really interesting to know, isn't there?"

"It's not that shocking that Amy might want some privacy," Raj interrupts their little duel. They both turn to look at him. "What _is_ surprising is that Amy would normally confide in you, when you have a bit of a reputation as a… busybody."

Penny crosses her arms and gives him a dirty look, but Sheldon raises an eyebrow and nods in agreement.

"Oh come on! You're agreeing with him? You know that's not true. I haven't told anybody at all about the ring, not even Leonard!" she blurts.

She must realize what she has revealed, because Raj hears the sound of her teeth clacking when her mouth slams shut. He can't decide whose eyes are wider right now, Penny's or Sheldon's. Perhaps it's his own because he can barely believe what he just heard.

"What's this about a ring?" he asks, turning to Penny. She's tight-lipped now, even though it's much too late. He turns his most inquisitive look to Sheldon instead, who sighs and wanders over to his desk. After fumbling around for a minute, it seems that he has found the item in question, a box with a diamond ring inside.

"Dude, that's so beautiful!" Raj sounds kind of girly, even to his own ears. "I didn't know you were planning to ask her to marry you tonight!"

"I was planning on asking her quite a while ago, before she requested some time apart. Now, I'm not sure what I'm doing."

"Like that's unusual," Penny snipes. This earns a glare from Sheldon, who snags her elbow and starts marching her to the front door.

"Thanks for your assistance, but goodbye to you too, Raj," he says as he walks by with Penny. Not terribly sophisticated, that guy. Raj stands up to leave, knowing that Amy will be there any minute. He wobbles a bit as he starts walking and realizes that it took quite a bit of wine to get through this evening's lessons. There's still enough left for Amy, he hopes, because she has to suffer through more Sheldon than anyone else.

He catches up with Penny in the hallway, and their host gracelessly closes the door in both of their faces. Raj turns to her and requests a ride home. She seems to be able to detect his drunken state, probably because she has been in a similar state from time to time. She wraps an arm around his shoulders and helps steer him towards the stairs. He sees a gleam in her eye when she says, "Of course, I'll take you home. On the way, you can tell me everything you know."

—-

* * *

XV.

* * *

Amy climbs four flights of stairs and comes to a halt outside Sheldon's door. She's feeling some weird combination of eagerness and terror. Amidst these conflicting emotions there is also curiosity, because Sheldon—yes, Sheldon—told her he had planned a 'romantic' evening.

It's probably not a good idea to read too much into his use of that word, she reminds herself. 'Romance' could mean almost anything to Sheldon. Blanket forts, watching Star TrekWars, reading scientific journals, and pontificating about the idiocy of the world around him are but a few of the myriad possibilities that she might be about to encounter. Truthfully, she does love spending time with him on all of those things. Well, maybe not the sci-fi stuff.

In her mind, she sets her expectations to absolute zero and then reaches up to tap on the door to announce her arrival. He answers the door in his typical date night outfit, but wrapped on top of it is an apron that reads: 'Astrophysicists do it with big telescopes'. Certain that this must be on loan from Raj, she spots more signs of his influence when Sheldon escorts her into the apartment. There is music playing that isn't obnoxious, there is a bottle of nice wine on the table, and she can smell a delicious, home-cooked meal.

"Wow! You didn't have to do all of this for me. I appreciate the gesture, but I know this isn't your kind of thing."

He glances at her for a moment before his eyes flit away. "You've cooked for me many times and planned things for me that you thought I would enjoy. Looking back, I can see that there are times that you… would've felt like you were in this relationship alone." His eyes return to her face. "I don't want that to happen anymore."

She's surprised to hear this particular insight coming from him. He's right, of course. She has definitely felt that way on a number of occasions. It's a relief to hear that he understands this, particularly because she has been hoping that he doesn't think that her issues with the relationship have been solely about sex.

They sit at the kitchen island, and Sheldon dishes up dinner for them both. He even lights a few candles and pours a glass of wine for her. The whole thing is so sweet that she kind of expects a bazinga or something. Conversation flows easily throughout dinner, as it always does, and she is startled once again when he refuses her offer to help clean up.

"Thank you," she says, standing nearby and sipping wine to keep him company while he rinses the plates. As a joke, she continues, "This is all very domestic of you, Sheldon. If you're not careful, I'm going to expect this every night."

He turns his head and looks at her for a second before returning his gaze to the sink. "Ok," he answers, sounding quite serious.

She counts up ten seconds in her mind, but a bazinga does not follow this statement either. "I was kidding about that, you know. I meant what I said before. You don't need to go out of your way like this, not for me. Our everyday interactions already make me happy. This was wonderful of you, though, and the food was excellent."

He smiles, but she can see that he is also relieved by her words. "Raj recommended all of this," he confesses to the obvious, while drying his hands on a dish towel. "You're right that it's not exactly me. The cooking was quite enjoyable, though."

Seeing that he has finished, Amy walks over to sit on the couch. She only makes it a few steps before he snags her elbow.

"Raj also recommended dancing…"

It's as close to an invitation as Sheldon is likely to get, and she sure as heck isn't going to turn him down. Amy steps up closer to him to indicate her capitulation. They've danced before on a few occasions, most recently at their group's re-enacted prom. She suspects that this might be something that he actually enjoys, though she doubts he would ever admit it.

As they dance, she can't help but wonder what his goal is for the evening. Does he think that she is still mad at him? It seems to her that they've more than worked through her grievances. It can't be some kind of seduction attempt. Can it? There's something rather old-fashioned about Sheldon, and she thinks that it's very possible that he would not want to have intercourse with her until they get married someday. That's fine with her, now that she knows that sexual intimacy is something he wants with her at some point. It was the not knowing that had been so hurtful.

Pressed against her, she feels that his body is happily casting its vote in favor of not waiting. Still, his body is attached to a mind that was raised in a conservative religious household. While he has eschewed any affiliation with religion, she does nevertheless see the occasional signs of his conservative upbringing.

Amy sees no reason to wait. She could not be more devoted to Sheldon if she tried, regardless of when or if they ever get married. Over the course of this past year, and particularly this past week, she has become increasingly convinced that he feels every bit as dedicated to her. Never having any religious inclination herself, she has no qualms about pre-marital relations. She doesn't object to the notion of a deity, but is baffled by the notion of one who would care one whit about her sex life.

Still, there's no reason to rush Sheldon. It wouldn't be surprising if the lessons of his youth were ingrained in his psyche, whether he realizes it or not.

She's struggling to form the right words to bring this matter up when he leans his mouth directly next to her ear and informs her with a shaky, uncertain whisper, "I have condoms."

Smooth, Sheldon. Very debonair. She has to bite her lip to keep from chuckling. At least now she knows where he stands on the evening's possibilities.

He's leaning in to kiss her when the song changes. The strong bass track of 'Till the World Ends' intrudes into the room, standing out in jarring contrast to the previous soft ballads. That's weird. She wouldn't have pegged him for a Britney Spears fan.

While he rushes over to turn off the song, she has to wonder about it. Does he dance around to this song when he's here alone in the apartment, like Tom Cruise in 'Risky Business'? He has the tighty-whities and dress shirt for it. She can't help but picture it in her mind's eye, because even if he doesn't, that imagery should still exist in the universe in some form.

He steps back over to her, looking a bit dejected at the lost moment, but he perks up when she smiles at him and takes his hand. "Is that what you want? For tonight?" she asks, referring back to his not-so-suave mention of condoms.

His cheeks darken with embarrassment. "My mother says that when a couple lays together they are wed in the eyes of the Lord."

That's interesting, but also extremely odd, much like many things he says. Unsure of how to respond, she waits for him to elaborate. She's going to need more information.

"I was going to ask you to marry me," he blurts, "right after our anniversary. When you asked for some time apart, I already had the ring."

What the hell, Sheldon?

Amy is incredulous but she tries to keep her voice steady. "And this didn't seem like something that you thought I should know? I mean, all I really wanted was to know how you felt about our relationship."

Sheldon's voice sounds adamant when he responds, "You're right, but I'm still glad that I didn't tell you until now. There was something else that I needed to make clear to you first." She knows what he means, of course, but he leans down and kisses her, making it all the more obvious.

His talk of marriage is a tremendous shock, but she lets it fade from her mind as their kiss intensifies. After some time, he pulls back to look her in the eye. Without saying anything else, he takes her hand and starts to lead her to his room.

When they walk through the door, he turns to shut it behind them. She is pleased to see that his bed is made up with normal sheets, so she won't have to deal with Batman or Luke Skywalker staring at her ass. As promised, there are a couple of condoms conspicuously set out on his end table.

It's an uncomfortable conversation, but she feels the need to explain to him that she is already taking the birth control pill. He's perplexed, at first, but lets it go when she tells him that it's for 'female reasons.' There's no way that she wants to get into a full discussion of her menstrual cycle. For as far as he's come, she still suspects that such things might have him run screaming from the room. She makes it clear that he can use the condoms anyway, but he gulps and shakes his head no.

The room fills with awkward silence now, as opposed to their awkward chatter. It starts to feel like some kind of weird staring contest, like they're waiting to see who will blink first. It's Sheldon who is the first to brave the moment, and he begins to work on the buttons of his dress shirt. While he is looking down to accomplish that task, she takes the opportunity to pull her jumper over her head, wishing that she could somehow remove her feelings of shyness along with it. She sees his movements pause, and it makes her wonder if he's looking over at her, but she can't make herself look up at his face. Instead she keeps going, unbuttoning and removing her blouse.

As she stands partially bared before him, she feels so nervous that she's almost starting to shiver. Her hands are unsteady as she reaches back to unlatch her bra. To her surprise, Sheldon is perceptive enough to notice her discomfiture. His fingers brush against one of her hands, and she latches right onto it. The contact is enough to make her look up from her careful, cowardly examination of his carpeting. He smiles and says, "It's just me…"

It sounds so simple and earnest when he says it like that, and it's somehow exactly what she needs to hear. She feels lust start to steal over her again, knocking the stuffing out of her fears and filling her with bravery.

His undershirt is next to be tossed aside, and she admires his upper body as he does it. He's more broad across the shoulders and chest than she had expected. For as slim as he is, she's surprised to spot a pouchy area below his belly button. It makes her smile, and she can't help but think about how she loves that spot every bit as much as the rest of him. It makes her feel a little less self-conscious about her own wobbly bits. They can be imperfectly perfect together.

Once she finishes undressing, she takes a seat on his bed. If he says 'that's my spot' to her now, she will not be forgiving. Fortunately, he doesn't, and he takes a seat next to her instead, every bit as naked as she is. He can't seem to stop staring at her chest, which is equal parts unnerving and flattering.

Their previous encounters have been graceless in the extreme, and she finds herself wondering if Sheldon is even aware of the concept of foreplay. Luckily for him, in those instances she had been 90% there before he even touched her, but she knows that phenomenon won't be a permanent reality.

Emboldened by his interest in her breasts, she takes his hand and guides him in how to touch her there. He surveys the area with a single-minded focus, and with each passing minute, she finds herself less and less concerned about his ability to master foreplay.

It is Sheldon who takes the initiative to bend down to kiss her neck. When he does, she is struck by how intense it feels. It is the first time she has felt his mouth on her body somewhere other than her lips. However, the feeling quickly pales in comparison to the feeling of his mouth making its way downward to explore her chest. Having already mapped out the most sensitive areas with his hands, he is quite adept now as he makes his way with lips and tongue.

In his enthusiasm, he topples them both over to lie on the bed. It's easier to reach him now, so she takes the opportunity to run her hands over any part of him that she can reach.

"I don't want to wait," he gasps out all of a sudden, and he must be a genius because she can't form any words at all right now. She has to settle for nodding her head while looking in his bright blue eyes. He rolls all the way on top of her then, and for the first time, she can feel the full, warm length of his whole body pressed against hers. The warm softness of his belly and chest against her own strikes her as profound. It isn't something that had ever occurred to her to fantasize about.

He attempts to push himself into her body, but his aim is a bit off. She reaches down to offer a guiding hand and then freezes when he succeeds. Apparently noticing her lack of motion, or perhaps feeling her fingernails digging a sharp warning into his back, he holds himself still. After a moment, the initial sharp burn dulls to a more pleasurable ache, and she is able to relax her body. Sheldon sighs in obvious relief when she softens her grip on his back and wiggles her hips enough to indicate that he should move.

The moment is so intense and overwhelming that she has a weird urge to cry. This experience is something that she was never sure that she'd get to share with him, or with anyone, really. Sheldon would misunderstand her tears, though, so she bites her lip and concentrates on the captivating feeling of his body merging with her own.

It's not surprising at all to hear him groan loudly and finish after a short amount of time. It's still quite an improvement over their previous endeavors, and she feels rather close to completion herself.

While he pants into her neck, struggling to catch his breath, she contemplates how delightful his clueless innocence has been. He did not fret about their lightning fast first experience. She doubts he even realized her intentions when she was trying to guide him into slowing himself down in their second. Now, after this first experience with intercourse, she doesn't fear that she will somehow damage his ego when she reaches for his hand in a not-so-subtle request for a finishing touch.

It takes but mere moments before her gasping breaths echo after his own.

She half expects him to take off for the bathroom in a fit of fastidiousness, but instead he rolls them over, continuing to hold on to her with both arms wrapped around her. He looks sleepy and content—a pretty picture indeed. A few minutes later, she plants a kiss on his cheek and it is ultimately she who rolls away and stands on shaky legs. What goes up must come down, and gravity waits for no woman.

Before she leaves the room, she steals and dons his robe. It would be too mortifying if Leonard or Penny were to show up when she is in the hallway. In the bathroom, she spots her own bright eyes, pink cheeks, and mussed hair in the mirror. She can't quite believe what has happened.

After tidying up, she voids her bladder, lest she have an untimely visit from the urinary tract infection fairy, and takes a moment or two longer than necessary to wash her hands. Unable to stall any longer, she knows it is time to face Sheldon, as awkward as that is sure to be.

When she opens the door, she practically runs her face right in to the little patch of fuzz on his chest. He is standing naked in the hallway, throwing caution to the wind, flouting Murphy's Law. Well, mooning it, really. There is something clenched in his hand.

"You're staying, right," he says, his words coming out as a statement rather than a question.

When she nods assent, he lifts his hand to give her a piece of clothing. She unfolds a long, soft nightshirt with a stylized neuron emblazoned on the front. Touched by what this purchase represents, she hugs it to her body and struggles to stifle the happy tears that want to spring to her eyes again.

Swallowing to clear the emotion from her voice, she smiles at him and says, "Thank you."

He smiles in return and raises his other hand, which is wrapped into a loose fist. She starts to feel a bit concerned when his smile begins to fade and is replaced by a very serious expression. He is gulping and shifting from foot to foot, as nervous as she's ever seen him. After a few seconds, he holds his fist out closer to her, just barely brushing her belly with his knuckles. When his fingers begin to part, she spies the bright, golden glint of a ring shining up at her from his palm.

* * *

—-


	7. Chapter 7

XVI.

Penny feels a weird ringing sensation in her ears, but she can't hear anything else at all. She sees that Bernadette's mouth is still open after emanating that awful shriek. If the little woman's voice had been any more high-pitched, Penny suspects that no human would have been able to hear it at all.

As her hearing slowly returns, she detects the sound of the puppy down in 3B howling wildly.

Amy removes her hands from her ears, but her face is still scrunched up in annoyance when she says, "My auditory cortex is on fire!"

Whatever that may be, Penny is sure hers is feeling the same. They're going to need ibuprofen… and wine. But not necessarily in that order. She heads to her kitchen to gather both.

"Amy!" Bernadette's squeak has returned to a manageable decibel level, but Penny still kind of fears that the glassware is at risk of shattering. "I can't believe the two of you are engaged! That's so exciting! Isn't it exciting?"

Penny is thrilled for her favorite little odd couple, but it is still very difficult for her to imagine the two of them together in such a traditional kind of way. Already aware of the ring from the previous evening, Penny's reaction is much more subdued than Bernadette's.

As she returns to the couch with wine, glasses, and ibuprofen, Penny sees Amy raise an expectant eyebrow at her. Oops. It's probably too late to act surprised now.

"Congrats Sweetie. I'm so happy for you guys! I did sort of know about the ring… but I didn't know if he'd manage to grow a pair and actually ask you."

Hmm. That didn't come out all that tactfully. With any luck, Amy's hearing is still impaired.

Penny works the cork out of the bottle of wine and then pours three generous glasses full. She nudges one over to each of her friends. When Amy reaches for hers, the light catches on the gold band seated firmly on the ring finger of her left hand. Holy crap! The reality of actually seeing it there finally jolts Penny from her state of calm.

Suddenly overcome, she squeals and kicks her feet, which startles Amy into spilling a little of her wine. "Oh my God, Ames! Do you think this means that he will actually punch your V-card after all?"

Amy's face turns a stunning shade of red, and she takes a long sip from her dripping glass of wine instead of responding to Penny's question. When she finishes the slow drink, she shakily says, "So, I brought Travel Twister. Who's up for a game?"

Penny can sense the gossip in the air. There's no way she's going to let Amy get away with that. Her friend is usually an over-sharer, and the sudden quietness of the past few days has ratcheted Penny's curiosity levels up to the max.

Bernadette seems to harbor the same suspicions because she turns to Amy with a piercing gaze and asks, "Do you have something that you'd like to share with us?" Her voice is a false, whispery growl, in marked contrast to her previous tone.

Amy has the world's guiltiest expression when she blatantly lies, "Nothing to share but the joys of Hasbro's classic party game. Did you know they added two new moves to the Twister board?"

The more she tries to wiggle out of it, the more Penny feels desperate to know. She sets her glass of wine down firmly on the table and decides to go for the all-out, blunt assault. "Did you and Sheldon do the pants-off dance-off?"

Amy's eyes widen in response, and she stares mutely at Penny while carefully setting down her own libation.

Bernadette raises an eyebrow and adds, "Engage in a little gland-to-gland combat?"

Amy's head snaps over to face the smirking microbiologist, but there's still no audible response.

"Did you do some squat-thrusts in Sheldon's cucumber patch?" Penny continues to prod with a tilt of her head.

That one finally cracks her, and Amy starts giggling wildly. In the midst of her chuckles, she buries her face in her hands and shyly nods to verify their supposition.

"I knew it!" Penny and Bernadette both exclaim. Penny's voice is eclipsed by Bernadette's, whose tone has become shrill once again. Penny sees Bernadette's mouth continue to move, but she can't discern any more words. It's not Penny's hearing that has blown out this time, though, because she can hear the dog downstairs start yapping again.

Wow. Maybe Bernadette really has managed to hit a frequency that only dogs can hear.

—

* * *

XVII.

More than a little shell-shocked by her friends' wild reactions, Amy is relieved to walk across the hall and once again be alone with Sheldon. A nice, boring evening of takeout pizza and counterfactuals is just what she needs.

"How was your afternoon with the girls?" he asks politely, as they both dish up a slice and sit at the kitchen island.

Taking a particularly large bite of pizza, Amy decides to choose her words carefully. "The usual," she replies when her mouth finally clears. She doesn't feel bad about her answer, because it's absolutely the truth. Nevertheless, she decides that it's probably best not to elaborate.

After dinner, they settle on the couch, and Amy begins to set up one of their games. When she sees Sheldon open his mouth to speak, she fully expects to hear him claim use of the green pieces. She is surprised when he brings up their engagement instead.

"I assume you hens have begun clucking about our impending nuptials. So, am I in for the complete fairytale extravaganza? An ostentatious affair dripping in sentimental hooey?" is his indelicate introduction to the topic.

"With that attitude I'm not sure you're in for much of anything," she shoots back, offended.

He closes his eyes and looks instantly contrite. It takes a moment for him to reword his thoughts before he carries on. "After your stint as maid of honor for Bernadette, I must admit that I'm a little nervous about what you might have in mind for our wedding."

That is a very reasonable concern, and she feels her anger at his previous statement fade away in the blink of an eye.

"I did get a bit… carried away as maid of honor…" she admits.

That's a colossal understatement, of course. There is no expression for a rampaging maid of honor that is as pithy as 'bridezilla,' but if there was, she has to admit that it would have described her behavior pretty succinctly.

"When it came down to it, though, and their wedding had to be pared down to a quick ceremony on the roof, well… the truth is that that scenario seemed much better." She shrugs. "Less was definitely more. It just felt so natural and simple. I guess I want that too. I want this to be something relaxing for us both to enjoy."

Sheldon looks incredibly relieved, like that time he emerged from the bathroom when they got home from Disneyland. It was hours after he drank a full thirty-two ounce Icee all by himself - a dangerous choice for a man who despises public restrooms.

"You're preaching to the choir, little lady. I certainly don't feel the need to justify or validate our relationship to the plebeians around us. So, let's just head down to the County Clerk's office tomorrow and get this thing done," he states with finality.

He places his hands on the couch to push himself up to his feet, but Amy clasps his right forearm before he has a chance to rise more than an inch or so from his spot.

"Sheldon, wait. I may have come around on the idea of a simple union, but we do have other factors to consider. Namely, friends and family."

She sees that Sheldon doesn't look thrilled by this complication, and he very quickly attempts to brush the issue off with a compromise.

"We'll send them an email. I'll even let you take one of those hideous 'selfies' that everyone is so fond of." That's actually kind of a big concession for Sheldon. Usually, when they are out and about and she gets out her selfie stick, she turns around to find that Sheldon has mysteriously wandered off.

"No, Sheldon. I mean that they should be present for the ceremony. My mother… I may have a complicated relationship with my mother, but I can't do this without inviting her. And what about your own mother and Meemaw?"

Sheldon's face softens at the mention of these beloved women, as Amy knew it would.

"Ok," he concedes with a sigh, "I guess we may need to defer to some modicum of custom. However, I'd prefer to keep such things to an absolute minimum."

"Agreed."

"Very well," he nods and she sees his eyes sparkle as an idea comes to him. "Are you familiar with the Calculus of Variations and the Mountain Pass Theorem?"

"Obviously."

"Well, if we map out the variables and constants associated with our wedding planning situation, we can then formulate an analogous equation and calculate the extrema. Keeping these points in mind, we can proceed to select a course of action that will best align with our interests."

"You mean choose the path of least resistance?"

He wrinkles his nose at the over-simplification. "Well, that's a bit folksy, but more or less, yes."

She finds it so sexy when Sheldon applies his genius and love of mathematics to their everyday life. Amy reaches for a takeout menu that has been left on the coffee table and fans her reddening face.

She notices that Sheldon's own eyes are a bit dilated when he looks her in the eye and says, "I think we're going to need the whiteboard."

"Yes. I think that's probably for the best," she answers breathily. She bites her lip briefly, before releasing it and continuing, "We need to lay out all of the information clearly. It wouldn't do to miss out on some critical piece of data."

She sees Sheldon swallow harshly and watches his ears turn pink. It seems that he can no longer hear the word 'data' from her without having very non-mathematical thoughts.

All of a sudden, he clears his throat and then stands to march over and get out his whiteboard. For as enthusiastic as Sheldon has been about their forays into sexual intimacy, she isn't surprised to see him shut down his arousal in favor of working on this odd wedding schema. After all, it's quite difficult to come between her genius and his whiteboard.

He uncaps a blue marker, and she knows that he means business because he doesn't even stop to sniff it for blueberries. Instead, he immediately writes and underlines 'Constants' and 'Variables'.

"Perhaps it is best to start with the certainties," he says and puts a bullet point under constants.

"Sheldon, you know that these things are not numbers, and you can't really translate these factors into an actual graph or equation, right?"

"Of course not. It's merely an analogy, a way to best analyze the situation. We need to figure out which things must occur and then take the liberty of minimizing the variables for issues where it's possible."

"That does seem like a reasonable approach," Amy replies and starts to think it over. "Well, we need to figure out the who, when, where, and how for our wedding. I'd say the only absolute constants are the people that must be invited. We share pretty much the same circle of friends, so I don't think we'll have any great difficulty keeping this constant to a minimum."

"Indeed. I say we put the kibosh on inviting treasured acquaintances. I have ten friends, now that Howard has been upgraded." He lists them on the board but then frowns and crosses one off. "I doubt that Stephen Hawking will be able to make it."

The remaining list contains 8 people: Leonard, Penny, Howard, Bernadette, Raj, Emily, Stuart, and Wil.

Amy assumes she must be the other missing member of Sheldon's ten friends. She kind of wishes that she could add more to the list, but in many ways her world is still very small. It has grown a great deal, and she can think of several treasured acquaintances, but there are none she deems worthy of attending their small ceremony. It could be considered sad, but Amy prefers having her few close friends over having a hundred meaningless ones.

"That looks like a manageable list," she says. "As for family, I propose that we invite only immediate family members. For me, that means just my mother." Amy has no brothers or sisters, and her father is forever an unknown, a one-night stand that her mother refuses to speak further about.

Sheldon writes Amy's mother on the list and then adds his own mother and Meemaw.

"Siblings?" Amy reminds him.

He sighs and looks reluctant when he adds Missy and George Jr. "Missy's husband would need to stay in Texas to watch their child, so I think it's just these four for me."

The list stands at a lucky thirteen guests, which is well below Sheldon's trample limit. It still feels increasingly like an intrusive crowd, but she knows that it is right to include these essential people in something as important as this.

"Every other factor is much more variable," Sheldon says. "The when, where, and how can be molded into whatever we want. We'll have to think about what would make for the simplest and most enjoyable option. I'm not sure about most of these details, but I do think that the least objectionable answer for when would be soon."

Amy nods in agreement because she certainly isn't interested in foot-dragging their engagement. There's been plenty enough of that already with Leonard and Penny.

Sheldon continues, "It might be best to let our guests have some notice. Halloween is only a few months away and is the greatest holiday of the year. It might make for an interesting wedding date. What do you think?"

Amy visualizes outrageous costumes and an even more terrifying than normal Emily. It could be a lot of fun, but she can't imagine it would go over terribly well with his conservative mother. "Do you really want to hear a lecture from your mother about satan, paganism, and so forth?"

"Amy, I know enough about religion that I could flood her arguments with copious amounts of historical facts. I could even debate theology with her, not that I care to. Halloween can easily be seen as a respectful night of vigil before All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day. Even Meemaw loves Halloween."

The idea of getting married on the creepiest day of the year is about as weird as she can imagine, and thus seems kind of right.

"Admit it, Sheldon. You just want to dress up as Spiderman for our nuptials," she says with a smirk.

Before he responds, she sees Sheldon smile, recognition coming over his face that she has agreed to his peculiar suggestion. "That's quite a difficult decision, actually. I suspect I'll once again need to defer to some degree of decorum. Nevertheless, the possibilities are intriguing."

Adopting the thinking man's pose, Sheldon cups his chin in his palm. He has apparently forgotten about his uncapped marker because she can see that he is inadvertently decorating his own cheek with a long, blue smear. If he isn't careful, he's going to wind up with that thing up his nose. At least it will smell nice, she supposes.

Amy walks over to Sheldon and frees his face from his own accidental assault. She puts the cap on the marker and sets it back on the tray of the board. It is amusing to look over his writing and see that they have planned more of their wedding in twenty minutes than Leonard and Penny have in over a year.

Nevertheless, she has had enough planning for now. Stepping in close to Sheldon's body, she feels her breasts brush against his chest. His respiration rate is markedly higher than normal, and she senses it speed up even further when she licks her thumb slowly. Raising it to his face, she sees him swallow unsteadily. She gently scrubs the blue mark from his cheek and wonders if he even realizes that he had made a mess.

Sheldon is decidedly less concerned about messes these days, thankfully, and she feels his arms wrap firmly around her body. When he leans down and parts her lips with his own, she starts to suspect that he is done with the planning for now just as much as she is.

As her mind clouds over with lust, she finds herself agreeing with Sheldon's last statement. The possibilities are definitely looking intriguing.

—-

* * *

Notes: I had a lot of fun with this story, so I decided to continue it. These followup chapters are all fully written, and I'm planning to post as regularly as possible for the next week or so. As always, feel free to let me know what you think.

Thanks to the very busy mphs95 for taking the time to beta read several sections of this story.


	8. Chapter 8

XVIII.

"Sheldon why do you look like you're headed to the gallows? It's not going to be that bad."

"Have you truly blacked out all memory of our last Skype call to your mother?"

Sheldon thinks that the call to his own mother went perfectly well. He had been worried at first, when there were some tears from his mother, but Amy had assured him that those were the good kind of tears. She'd been right, of course, and his mother had smiled and started praising Jesus shortly thereafter.

The selection of Halloween as a wedding date had required some further explanation. Fortunately, he was able to win his mother over just as he had anticipated.

As well as that call had gone, Sheldon feels complete panic at the thought of chatting with Amy's mother. He has avoided contact with this woman for years, and Amy's stories of her don't exactly ease his nerves.

"Sheldon, she knows that our last call was a farce. I'm expecting that she will be happy about our engagement. Well, she'll be happy about it once we convince her that it's true…"

"From the stories you've told, she sounds like a pretty disagreeable woman. If she tends to give you a difficult time, what makes you think that she'll end up being accepting of me?"

Amy looks down and picks at her fingernails while she contemplates an answer.

"Sheldon, I love my mother. Growing up, it was always just the two of us, no matter what. And… as peculiar as she can be, she has always made it clear to me that I'm the most important person in her life," Amy says.

He can tell that Amy isn't done yet, and he's right because she continues after a moment, "The problem is… in the way she has gone about trying to raise me. There are times I think she also considers me to be the biggest mistake she's ever made in her life. She has always been so insistent that I not follow her path in life. I wonder if she even realizes that the rash choice she seems to regret so much is the choice that resulted in my existence."

Sheldon doesn't know what to say to that. He can't imagine how anyone could ever think of Amy as a mistake. It's inconceivable.

With a deep sigh, Amy continues, "But none of that really has anything to do with you. I'm certain that my mother wants me to be happy, and you do make me happy. She will be able to see that."

"If you say so… but you know, we could still just send her a lovely e-card to share the news…" It seems like a viable option to him, but Amy just shakes her head no.

For Amy's sake, he knows that he has to try to get along with this woman. With a resigned breath out, Sheldon clicks the button to send the video call. He's still not so sure about this whole mother-in-law thing.

After a few rings, he sees Amy's mother appear on the screen. She has aged a bit but is still very recognizable as the small, mousey woman he spoke to years ago. He puts on his best fake smile for her.

Instantly, he sees her recoil a bit. Oh right. The guys had warned him years ago that his fake smiling face was kind of reminiscent of the Joker.

"Hello Mother." His fiancee's greeting is much more successfully received because he sees the little woman shift her gaze and switch her expression to a polite smile.

"Hello Amy… To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?"

He hears Amy gulp a bit nervously, so he reaches his hand over to link with hers. The movement does not go unnoticed by her mother. Sheldon sees her glance shift, but she doesn't comment about it.

"Sheldon and I are getting married."

The woman's wary expression does not change at all, and she continues to offer no response. She just stares at them and blinks from time to time. Eventually, she does break the uncomfortable silence.

"Amy, dear, what are the two of you really up to this time? You do have citizenship in this country, don't you sir?" She directs one impolite question to each of them.

"Mother, I have been dating Sheldon for over five years. You know about this."

"That's odd because I don't recall seeing him around."

Sheldon feels the weight of in-law induced guilt already. He clears his throat to answer, "I apologize for my absence. Social gatherings are not my forte, but I will try to grace you with my presence more regularly in the future. As for my citizenship, I was born and raised in Texas, so I am very much an American. That's kind of an odd question, though, ma'am."

He can't really imagine why she wants to ask about his country of origin, but he doesn't want to be rude and not answer her. A glance over to Amy shows that her forehead is resting on her palm. Hopefully he hasn't said anything too wrong yet.

With a penetrative stare, she fires off another question, "Why do you wish to marry my daughter?"

Sheldon hasn't really been prepared for an inquisition. He's usually really good at tests, but this is more of a social thing. That tends to result in disaster. With no answers prepared, he decides he'll just have to go for the truth.

"Why wouldn't I? Amy is brilliant, beautiful, and she is more like me than anyone else I've ever met. Sure, she could stand to have a bit better appreciation for the world of science fiction and comic books, and she really should acknowledge the superiority of physics over biology, but nobody's perfect. Of course I would want to spend my life with her. I love her."

Amy's mother is just staring at him, so he shrugs and continues on, "There is absolutely no one else on this planet for me. And yes, before you ask, I have most certainly done the math. I can send you the spreadsheet if you'd like."

He's still watching the screen for her mother's reaction, but it's Amy who captures his attention when he hears a strangled little sound coming out of her throat. And she's crying.

Does that mean he failed this little test? A quick glance back to the screen shows that her mother is wiping a tear as well. Uh-oh.

Amy suddenly squeezes his hand and pulls him into a sharp hug. Oh. Those were probably happy tears then. From the corner of his eye he can see that Amy's mother is now smiling too. Yup, definitely happy tears.

It's not clear to him why his simple recitation of the facts has elicited such an emotional response from both of them. From over Amy's shoulder, he shakes his head at the irrationality of it all. Women.

—-

* * *

XIX.

It has been a long weekend for Howard and Bernadette. They spent all day Saturday on home improvement projects and then had her parents over for dinner. At that point, his father-in-law proceeded to critique all of their handiwork while drinking all of their beer.

After that kind of day, Howard was really hoping to spend his entire Sunday relaxing in his underpants. Unfortunately, they got a call from Amy and Sheldon summoning them to a Sunday lunch meeting. It's unlikely to be a relaxing experience, but he is kind of curious to watch the two of them interact now that Sheldon is tapping that.

As he knocks on the door to 4A, he wonders at what point Sheldon discovered that the green condoms they got for him glow in the dark. There's a lightsaber joke that desperately needs to be told, but with the ladies present he is unlikely to get the chance to tell it. Perhaps he can sneak in a subtle 'Hulk Smash' reference.

Amy opens the door and waves he and Bernadette inside. Well, she certainly seems to be in a good mood. Howard wonders if maybe her time spent with C-3PO wasn't a total bust after all.

He sees that the rest of their friends are already present, including Wil and Stuart. Leaving the space on the end of the couch for Bernadette to sit, he plops himself down on the floor next to her. They really could use some more seating in here. It's too bad that Sheldon was such a dingleberry about that table last year. Raj, Stuart, and Wil are all sitting on the floor with him, like a bunch of recalcitrant children.

Oh well, at least the takeout food is good. He shovels some noodles into his mouth with gusto and watches the surprised reactions from Wil and Stuart when they find out that Sheldon and Amy have gotten engaged.

When Sheldon gets up to gather some papers from his desk, Wil leans over and quietly asks Howard, "Really? Those two? Does he realize that this sort of thing has certain… expectations of a sexual nature?"

Howard shrugs and whispers back, "Actually, yes. They... do that now. I know it's hard to fathom, but you know, people do say that 'life finds a way'."

Wil looks a little creeped out, and Howard can't really blame him.

"I've found it's best not to contemplate it too deeply," he quietly advises Wil.

"So, we've gathered you all here today to let you know that we have set a date to get married. We are planning for this coming Halloween, and all of you have the privilege of being invited to attend," Sheldon announces.

A flurry of enthusiastic congratulations follows this statement. Amy smiles and hugs her way through the fanfare while Sheldon wrinkles his nose and tries to wave off any kind of physical contact like he's swatting at flies.

"Anyway," he continues when they all settle down, "we are still trying to settle on a few minor details. Theoretically speaking, we would like everything to be done as simply as possible. I have prepared the following document for you all to follow along."

At that point he stops and hands out papers to everyone in the room. "As you can see, we've already settled on some of the obvious points. However, we are still trying to decide on some of the variable elements here. If you have any suggestions for a venue, for example, that would be quite helpful."

Howard sees Penny look at Leonard with an utterly perplexed look on her face. "If this is supposed to be simple, why is he giving us a report?" she asks incredulously while waving Sheldon's handout.

"Actually, since this is Sheldon, I would have expected a multi-page document. Or maybe even a full PowerPoint presentation. So yeah, he's actually doing pretty well," Leonard answers.

"Amy said that a slideshow might be too much," Sheldon interjects, having apparently overheard.

Penny rolls her eyes and starts folding her paper into an aerodynamic shape.

Amy clears her throat to speak and says, "We've discussed some location options, and you can see that so far we've had to veto each one."

Howard looks down at Sheldon's paperwork and sees an interesting list of possibilities that have x's next to them. Disneyland, a train car, a train station, Las Vegas, anywhere outdoors, Texas, and Los Robles have all been nixed. He suspects Amy banned anything related to trains, and Sheldon is probably afraid of the great outdoors. There's probably reasons that the other options have been discarded, but he sure as hell isn't crazy enough to ask the two of them to explain.

"There's a good sized room attached to the back of the new comic book store," Stuart pipes up. "It's completely empty right now, and you could decorate it however you want. And hey, it's totally free."

Amy cringes at the mention of comic books, but Howard sees her grimace be replaced by intrigue at the mention of it not costing anything. He supposes that someone who buys used bras and pantyhose is someone that is frugal enough to be swayed by a free place to hold a wedding ceremony.

Sheldon turns to face Amy, and it's pretty obvious from the look on his face that he is all for it.

"That's ok with me," Amy answers. She holds up one finger to indicate that she isn't finished, "if and only if it continues to stay free of store merchandise."

Sheldon's enthusiasm wilts a little at Amy's disclaimer, but he still bobs his head in agreement and makes a note on his paper.

"Very well. One empty room. Aside from that, we did want you all to know that this is to be a casual ceremony. Dress however you like and feel free to be yourself. Or don't be yourself, as the case may be. It is Halloween, after all."

Emily's eyes light up when she asks, "Is this going to be Halloween themed? You know, creepy and scary?"

Howard sees Raj freeze with his mouth full of partially chewed food.

This requires a tactful response, so Howard isn't surprised that it's Amy who responds, "Um… well, we don't object to people dressing up a bit, but we do request that it be respectful. Our parents will be present and no one wants to get Mrs. Cooper started on the subject of evil…"

"That would be quite unfortunate," Sheldon nods his agreement and then continues with his agenda, "Our next point of discussion is the ceremony itself. We aren't planning to do the whole best man, maid of honor thing. You may all simply bask in the honor of being a general part of the wedding."

"But who will be giving away the bride?" Raj inquires.

"Oh, there'll be none of that," Amy waves off the question, "I'll be giving myself away, thank you."

With tremendous restraint, Howard resists the temptation to point out that he has heard she already gave herself away…

"Indeed," Sheldon acknowledges the interruption but then carries on, "Unfortunately, in the state of California the two of us can't officiate our own wedding. I know that many of us became ordained for Howard and Bernadette's wedding. You can decide among yourselves who would like the tremendous privilege of signing some of our documentation."

Howard glances from face to face and sees his other friends doing the same. Who but Sheldon would consider signing paperwork to be a high honor?

"As to the subject of gifts: please don't. You're all well aware of my disdain for being mired in that social quagmire. I'm already fully beholden to Amy now, so I'm going to be busy enough as it is."

Everyone just stares at him, except for Penny who launches her now fully-formed paper airplane. It beans Sheldon right in the side of the head. He shoots her a dirty look which Penny returns with a bright smile. Howard knows that Penny is Sheldon and Amy's biggest cheerleader, but the woman can never resist the chance to give Sheldon a hard time.

Sheldon flicks the paper airplane right back at Penny's head and then continues speaking. "If anyone has anything that they would like to contribute as part of the ceremony or the following short reception, feel free to let us know. We will be ordering dinner, but we could probably use a dessert. Those of you who desire inebriation may want to consider bringing some adult beverages."

Consider bringing alcohol? To make it through a Shamy wedding, Howard is pretty sure that he is going to need at least a keg.

"Aside from the sparkling wit of our discourse, we have no other entertainment planned at this time. Suggestions will be welcomed," Sheldon finishes his little speech at last and sits down next to Amy.

"We appreciate everyone's help in this," Amy adds a touch of social grace. "It sounds like a lot, but we really are hoping to keep everything as simple as possible."

Howard doesn't think that 'marriage to Sheldon' and 'simple as possible' are concepts that go together very well. However, if anyone could ever succeed at such an undertaking, he knows it would surely be Amy.

—-

* * *

Notes: Thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome and appreciated.


	9. Chapter 9

XX.

There are some days at work that feel like they will never end. Leonard sighs with relief as he closes the door to 4A, feeling happy to be home after such a crazy Monday. He spends five nights a week at Penny's apartment, but part of him will probably always think of this place as home.

Grabbing an iced tea from the fridge, he makes his way around to the armchair and flops down. It's remarkably quiet here at the moment, with Sheldon nowhere to be seen. Taking advantage of his roommate's absence, Leonard twists the cap off his drink and flicks it messily along the coffee table. He takes a long, cool drink and feels relaxation rapidly setting in.

This apartment has been his home for nearly a decade now, and he thinks that he will really miss it here once the move is complete. There have been so many good times spent in this room with his friends. Especially with Sheldon. The memories make him smile.

His sentimental reminiscence is quickly cut short, though, when he sees Sheldon bluster into the room. The tall man looks to be in a mood, and he seats himself at his desk with a loud huff.

Okay, maybe Leonard won't miss it here all that much.

Electing to ignore Sheldon, Leonard sits back to watch the next episode of _Daredevil_ on Netflix. The show has only just begun when the action is interrupted by a loud sigh from Sheldon. Leonard glances over briefly and sees that he is just sitting there, staring at his open laptop. Leonard isn't dumb enough to ask him what's wrong. Instead, he just turns up the volume.

Somehow, Sheldon's next exhalation is still loud enough to interrupt the program, even over the raucous sound of a fistfight. Dammit.

"What, Sheldon!?" Leonard gives up and pauses the show.

"Oh, hello Leonard."

Sheldon's casual response is even more irritating than the loud sighs. Leonard knows perfectly well that Sheldon is trying to get his attention to talk about something. Of course, being the egomaniac that he is, he won't just come out and admit it without some posturing.

Frustrated already, Leonard runs his hand through his hair before giving in to the inevitable. "Do you have something you'd like to say?"

"Well, since you brought it up, I have found myself in a bit of a conundrum…"

Leonard, of course, has brought nothing up, but it's far too late to stop Sheldon now. So much for relaxation. He just nods in resignation for his friend to go on.

"You see, Amy and I looked over the recommended vows for civil ceremonies today and found them to be lacking. Honestly, Leonard, there was enough sap present in those words that I could make syrup for my french toast for years to come."

Sheldon shakes his head derisively before continuing, "Anyway, I promised Amy that I would prefer to come up with something on my own. Unfortunately, that is proving to be much more difficult than I had anticipated…"

Leonard smirks and suggests, "You could always follow the ceremony from _The Princess Bride:_ 'Mawidge. Mawidge is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawidge, that bwessed awangement, that dweam wifin a dweam…'" Leonard trails off when he sees Sheldon's derisive head shake now aimed his way.

"Be serious."

"Are you asking me for words to sum up your relationship with Amy and the feelings you have for each other…? Really? Sheldon, if such words even exist, they sure as hell aren't going to originate from me," Leonard says, unsure of just what advice his clueless friend could possibly expect.

He knows that it's rare for Sheldon to actually ask for advice, though. It means that this is something that he must consider to be pretty important. It's an unusual enough situation that Leonard finds himself really wanting to come up with something helpful. Unfortunately, nothing much comes to mind.

It'd probably be rude to recommend that Sheldon google 'marriage vows for weirdos'.

Floundering to offer at least some guidance, he finally suggests, "I don't know. You know her much better than anyone else. Maybe just try to speak her language?"

"You mean Op?"

Leonard didn't think that this conversation could possibly deteriorate more, but it certainly has. He has no freaking clue what Sheldon is talking about.

"See? I don't even know what that is. You know her. Just speak from the heart when the time comes."

" _'Speak from the heart'_? That's the best you've got? You know, I really thought I'd already hit my maximum threshold for sentimental blather today…"

At this point, Leonard is even more sure than ever before. He will miss this place, its memories, and the time spent with his best friend.

But not today. No, definitely not today.

—-

* * *

XXI.

By the last week of October, all of Amy and Sheldon's plans have taken shape quite well. Their friends have each stepped forward to contribute in different ways, and the entire experience has been quite stress free.

Unfortunately, Amy suspects that these last few days will be rather hectic, especially since their parents will be arriving very soon.

For the time being, Amy decides that they might as well enjoy their last bits of time alone. She has been spending quite a few nights at Sheldon's apartment, but with his family due to arrive, she will soon be back to her own place. Pondering these final few hours of family-free time, she decides that it might be best to take the opportunity to implement a little experiment.

From the data that Amy has managed to assemble so far, a clear pattern has begun to emerge. It appears that Sheldon views sexual gratification in much the same way he does gift giving, albeit with one extremely notable difference. While he despises the obligation inherent in receiving a gift, when it comes to acts of physical intimacy he seems to relish the opportunity to reciprocate.

Due to the newness of their physical relationship, her observations are by no means complete. Still, she knows enough about the inner workings of Sheldon's mind to suspect that her hypothesis will continue to prove true.

It has always been clear that Sheldon prefers not to feel indebted to others. When someone bestows kindness upon him, he can't resist the compulsion to even the score. Finding out that this tendency translates into the realm of intimacy has been quite a pleasant discovery.

It was concerning at first, the idea that this compulsiveness of his might somehow make him feel indebted to her. She would never want him to feel obligated to her or to otherwise feel forced into intimacy out of duty. He had set her straight, though, on one of the few occasions that they had actually talked about the subject of sex. Sheldon would rather not talk about these things, of course, but when she had confided in him about this particular concern, he had ardently reassured her with a theory of his own.

Specifically, he had told her that he trusted her judgment on these matters. He had found every experience with her to be quite enjoyable, even back to the days of their very first attempt at holding hands. Therefore, he would defer to her expertise.

If it had been anyone else on Earth saying that, then she would have assumed that it was an attempt at outright mockery. Hearing this from Sheldon, though, was quite different. With a sample size of just the two of them, it was probably a fair assessment to declare her the expert.

Amy considers putting together a report to encapsulate her findings to date. After all, Sheldon would probably be able to appreciate a well-organized Excel spreadsheet. Upon second thought, however, it occurs to her that it might be a bad idea to write that kind of thing down. Her friends are wonderful people, but there are hackers and blabbermouths among them.

She'll have to make do with an oral summation.

It has been a few weeks since their discussion and Sheldon's heartfelt assurances. Now seems like as good a time as any to put his trust to the test. They've had a pretty typical evening together, and Sheldon is looking quite comfortable seated in his spot. When she walks over to the front door and latches the chain lock, however, she sees him begin to grow decidedly nervous. He's probably right to be a bit jittery, considering what she has planned.

He follows her motion with unblinking eyes as she makes her way back over to the couch to sit beside him. A wide-eyed expression and obvious gulp greet her upon her return. It's probably kind of perverted to find his hesitance so hot, but it's just so _him_ that she can't help being turned on by it.

He jumps a little when she puts her hand on his thigh, but quickly starts to relax when she just calmly smiles at him. This is going to require a delicate introduction. But where to begin?

"You really want to…" his response trails off, after she goes over her experimental plan for the evening. It looks like he can't seem to make himself actually say the words. Surely he understands that people do this. It's not even remotely taboo these days, though she fears it might be considered as such by Sheldon.

"But… why?" he breathes out shakily. He still sounds nervous, but his dilated pupils, rapid breathing, and sweaty forehead are giving away his interest in the matter.

She has expected this question and is appropriately prepared. Taking his hand, she says, "Here. A simple, fully-clothed demonstration."

Turning his hand palm side up in her lap, she then runs her finger across its sensitive surface.

"Sensation number one," she says. Sheldon's hand squirms in response to the stimulus, but he just looks at her and raises an eyebrow.

Challenge accepted, she lifts his hand to her mouth and runs her tongue from the base of his palm to the tip of his middle finger in one long swipe. His entire body jerks in response to this more intense provocation.

"Sensation number two," she lists. Matter-of-factly, she sets his hand back in his own lap and sits back calmly to await his decision.

He is staring straight ahead at the empty television screen, but she can see more harsh gulps and a twitching jawline. After only a few seconds of consideration, his head snaps over to face her again and he nods sharply. Okay then.

Without further discussion, they make their way to Sheldon's room. She had locked the front door just in case, but it would be way too much to actually defile Sheldon while he sits in his spot.

Well, way too much for the time being anyway.

They both disrobe, and the haste with which Sheldon is moving makes it more than clear that his hesitation has taken a long walk off a short pier. Tumbling onto his bed, they kiss and touch in mutual ways that are now comfortably familiar. After a time, she settles him onto his back with his head resting on a pillow. He seems more excited than nervous at this point as she makes her way down his neck and chest with her mouth. She moves with a deliberate slowness, and this seems to help calm his nerves.

As utterly inexperienced as she is, she is reassured by Sheldon's own naivety. It's impossible for her to know precisely what to do, but it's not like he would know exactly what he wants anyway. She begins to survey new territory with her tongue.

He gives out a few startled gasps and flails his hands a bit wildly. There's no obvious place for him to hold onto, and she can see how he might feel that grabbing her head is rude. Eventually he settles on grabbing two fistfuls of bedsheets.

Still feeling unsure, she tests out a few different movements with her lips and tongue. He's too big to take in all at once, so it seems logical to have her hand help out. Before long, she feels confident enough to move a bit more vigorously, which Sheldon seems to appreciate.

She's really starting to wish that she'd had the forethought to wear a hair tie, but it hadn't really occurred to her that her long hair would be inconvenient. Sheldon must be noticing the same thing because he looses his death grip from the sheets long enough to brush some hair from her face and tuck it behind her ears. She suspects that he is doing so to get a better view. The way he is staring at her while she does this is extremely distracting. She doesn't blame him, though, because she would no doubt do the same.

Her unskilled maneuvers must be effective enough, because Sheldon's gasps become louder and are now interspersed with an occasional, strangled-sounding groan. She pulls her mouth away for a brief moment to assess things, but keeps her hand moving lest he feel completely bereft. He gives out a pathetic little moan at her departure and whispers her name in entreaty.

Amy hadn't entirely been sure about whether she would enjoy this particular act. There's just something about it, though. She had spent so many years wondering whether he would ever desire her, and now here he is so utterly desperate for it. It's incredibly arousing to see him squirming around like this, and she finds that it satisfies some place deep inside her long-starved ego.

Moving her mouth back to him, she returns to her previous efforts. She can't resist the occasional glance upward, and she sees that his eyes are now shut tight, and his face is scrunched up in happy bliss. In fact, signs from down below also indicate that success is imminent. He'd been politely holding his hips still, but he's having a difficult time keeping control of them now. His hand releases the sheets again to grip her shoulder in apparent warning.

Hmm. She probably should have thought about this before, but there's not much time to contemplate the options now. There's no way to know which choice would be the least disconcerting to Sheldon, but it's not really up to him anyway.

A few loud shouts later, she flops onto her back beside Sheldon's still shaking form. It takes a few long moments for his breathing to slow down, but once it does, he opens his eyes to look at her.

He smiles goofily, and his voice is filled with quiet awe when he says, "You always make the most convincing arguments."

Reaching his arms out, he starts to pull her over towards his chest. Before he actually manages to make contact with her, he suddenly stops. Apparently thinking better of it, he takes a moment to glance down his body first. Then he glances at her own torso, undoubtedly trying to find the mess.

The look on his face as he slowly puzzles out what must have happened is somehow extremely comical. She starts to giggle uncontrollably, but her laugh is quickly cut off by a loud pounding on the front door.

No.

No, no, no.

From across the apartment she can hear Leonard shouting through the slightly opened front door. Caught outside by the inner chain lock, she hears it rattle as Leonard shakes the door.

 _"Sheldon! What the hell? I need to get my allergy medicine!"_

Amy does not have time for interruptions this evening. She and Sheldon both have family arriving very soon. Her mother is actually due to arrive at Amy's apartment this very evening, and Sheldon's family will be arriving here tomorrow morning.

In addition to all of that, if this doesn't happen for her now, she isn't sure that it ever will. She fears that having too much time to think about it will leave her too self-conscious to let Sheldon reciprocate.

Amy focuses all her mental energy to telepathically tell Leonard to go away, go away, go away. Alas, telepathy is hokum, and Leonard's pounding continues unabated.

With a loud sigh, Sheldon sits up and grabs his robe. Before he leaves the room, Sheldon leans over her body and places a soft kiss on her lips. He must notice her traumatized face because he shifts his mouth over to whisper his promise directly into her ear, "Soon."

—-

Notes: Thanks again to mphs95 for the beta read! Any remaining errors are surely in spots where I was too stubborn to take her advice :)

I was planning to update every day, but there's no way I'm going to have time to finish my final edits for the next few days. Expect a new chapter sometime on Saturday.

It's always so awkward to post M scenes, but I hope you're all enjoying the story.


	10. Chapter 10

XXII.

When Meemaw catches sight of the pretty blond woman in the lobby, she doesn't need an introduction to know that this is not Sheldon's girl. It takes only an instant to see that she is a pleasant and vivacious young lady, and it is clear that Sheldon tolerates her presence better than he does most others. Still, Meemaw just knows that this is not his Amy.

"Meemaw, this is Penny," Sheldon offers an introduction.

"Oh my God, it's so great to meet you! I've heard quite a bit about you over the years," Penny greets her with a brief, enthusiastic hug.

From Sheldon's letters, Meemaw knows quite a lot about Penny as well. Most importantly, she knows that this woman is someone that her grandson regards as practically a sister - an annoying sister, but a sister nonetheless.

"It's lovely to meet you too, dear. And this must be Leonard?" The short young man is right at Penny's elbow, like a little moon caught in her orbit.

He smiles and waves a polite greeting. It is an odd feeling, meeting these people for the first time. She's heard so much about them that she feels like she knows them already.

"Rumor has it I'm in for quite a journey," Meemaw jokes.

"Oh, I know, right? I can't believe this one finally hit puberty, much less that he's found someone willing to marry him," Penny chuckles and elbows Sheldon in the ribs.

"Actually, honey, I was referring to this mountain of stairs. They really should fix your elevator," Meemaw replies.

She sees Penny look a little chagrined. "As to the rest… well… my Moonpie just likes to take his time."

Sheldon has been frowning at Penny, but his features soften to a smile when he focuses back on his grandmother. He takes her elbow and begins to escort her towards the stairs. "I was expecting Amy to be here a little while ago, but she and her mother must be running late."

Just as Sheldon finishes speaking, the door to the lobby opens and two small women enter the room. One glance at her grandson is enough to tell her exactly who has arrived.

When Sheldon came to meet her and Mary at the airport, she could see how much he had changed. He smiled with ease and had a relaxed air about him that seemed so unfamiliar to what she remembered of the young man who had left Texas years ago. As free and cheerful as he had seemed to her at the airport, it is nothing compared to the way he lights up at this moment, when he catches sight of the young lady in the entryway.

Needing no introduction, Meemaw is absolutely certain. This one is the one. Turning from the base of the stairs she smiles broadly and opens her arms to the bespectacled brunette. "Amy!"

Another round of hugs follows before Amy introduces everyone to her mother. When they go to climb the stairs, Amy assists Meemaw on one side, while Sheldon guides her from the other. It's slow going, and Meemaw jokes about how her old bones are creakier than the stairs.

Finally, they reach apartment 4A. Meemaw sees that Mary, George, and Missy are already making themselves comfortable, pouring beverages for everyone in Sheldon's kitchen.

Her grandson happily shows her around his apartment. It's amazing to her, to see this life that he has built for himself. She'd worried about him for such a long time. He was always such a lovely boy, but he tended to shut himself away from other people. Seeing him here now, with two close friends and his lady love, fills her heart with relief.

While Sheldon is showing Meemaw around, she sees George and Missy gawk at Amy like she's an exhibit at the county zoo. Like everyone else, they probably never expected to see their brother find a mate.

Meemaw shoots a sharp look of reprimand at the pair, and it's Missy who snaps out of the rather rude stare first.

Missy turns to address Amy. "Why hello there, sugar! I've been just dying to meet you… You know, I never thought I'd get a chance to meet another woman who'd get to have her legs wrapped around Shelly's head."

"What?" Amy looks flummoxed by that remark. The only one who looks more startled is Amy's mother.

Sheldon sighs. "It's twin sister 'humor'. I couldn't escape her in utero, and she likes to remind me of that fact whenever possible."

Meemaw is familiar with Missy's odd sense of humor, but she doesn't think this is the most appropriate way to greet a future relative.

Fortunately, Mary speaks up to straighten her out. "Missy, you're never too old for me to take you over my knee! Don't say things like that to these nice people. We don't want them gettin' a bad impression."

She walks over and greets Amy's mother with a brief hug, before turning to embrace Amy much more fully. From over Amy's shoulder she continues to address Missy, "We can't have you scarin' this one off."

"Hey, at least Missy didn't greet Sheldon with a punch to the nuts," Penny chimes in.

Meemaw isn't sure whether the blonde intended for that to be a helpful comment or not. The mischievous expression on Penny's face makes her suspect not. Seeing as how Sheldon thinks of her as another sister, Meemaw feels comfortable giving Penny a look of chastisement as well. Penny hangs her head, looking contrite when she sees Meemaw's face.

Releasing Mary, Amy sounds incredulous when she addresses Missy, "You're kidding, right? Tell me you don't actually do that."

"Only on those occasions when he really deserves it. Besides… I can't say it ever occurred to me that he might be needing 'em for anything else…" Missy shrugs and chuckles in response.

"Don't do that," Amy responds fiercely, "ever again." With her eyes narrowed and her arms folded, the previously unimposing young woman now looks ready for battle.

Unaffected by Amy's anger, or perhaps simply oblivious to the situation, Missy just smiles even more broadly and steps over to hug Amy. "I like you already. I really do. It's a rare thing to see someone step up for my brother. I promise I'll be leavin' his gonads to you, honey, but he's likely to rile you enough at some point that you'll be understanding the impulse to give 'em a twist."

Amy's stance softens slightly. She hesitantly hugs Missy back, but she still looks peeved.

Sheldon cringes. "Can we possibly find something to talk about other than my testes?"

Amy's mother looks like she would very much welcome a change of subject. "And who is this young man," she says politely while gesturing at George, Jr.

"Hello, ma'am. I'm Shelly's brother George," he offers a handshake to Amy's mother and a quick kiss to Amy's cheek. Meemaw sees Sheldon twitch a little at the sight of his brother's contact with Amy.

"My wife and kids couldn't make it down during the school year, but I couldn't miss the chance to see my baby brother get married. And meeting you? It's kind of like getting a chance to see Bigfoot, you know? Mama had told us all that he had a lady friend, but it's something I just had to see to believe."

"Um… it's great to meet all of you too," Amy replies awkwardly.

Meemaw can tell that even these brief introductions are starting to feel a bit overwhelming for Amy. Her grandkids are not exactly making the best first impression, and Meemaw plans to have a little chat with them about their behavior later. For now, she decides to try to offer Amy and Sheldon a brief reprieve.

"Amy, Sheldon? Could the two of you carry my bags into the other room for me? I'm afraid this trip has left me a bit tuckered out, and I could use a little rest before supper."

The couple steps away from the melee, and they each take one of Meemaw's pieces of luggage. They both look relieved to be out of the center of attention, and she sees them exchange wide, toothy smiles. With eyes only for one another now, she supposes they don't notice how they are still very much the focus of everyone's scrutiny.

—-

* * *

XXIII.

"Oh, come on already Shelly, we've been over this. You can't decline to come to your own bachelor party."

Sheldon has already tried explaining to his brother that this kind of event really does not interest him. He's well aware of bachelor parties and the kind of hullabaloo that they typically entail. Unfortunately, George Jr. has been quite insistent about dragging him over to Wolowitz' house.

"Fine, but I'll have you know that I did bring my danger whistle. If there's naked ladies in there, I will not hesitate to make use of it."

"I expect your friends know better than to surprise you with anything of that sort," George sighs.

"I may have found myself with certain… prurient interests in regards to one Amy Farrah Fowler, but that does not mean that I'm going to be as indiscriminate with my regard as the rest of mankind."

George runs a hand through his hair. "Look, I really don't think it's going to be an issue. Actually, from what I understand, they've been having a competition of sorts in preparation for your wedding. Tonight we're all going to sample the fruits of their labor."

That sounds interesting enough, but Sheldon remains wary. As they make their way up the driveway he sees Leonard, Raj, Wolowitz, Stuart, and Wil just inside the garage. There are two copper canisters set up and Sheldon's nose detects a faint, odd smell.

"It smells like a distillery in here," he says in lieu of a greeting to his friends.

Howard holds out a glass of alcohol in salutation, "Correct! When you mentioned a few months ago that your wedding might be lacking in alcoholic refreshments, we thought we should take it upon ourselves to thwart such a disaster."

Raj picks up the explanation, "Being the enterprising gentlemen that we are, we decided to make our own. As you noticed, Howard is distilling moonshine. Over here, you can see that Leonard has brewed and bottled some beer."

Raj gestures to Leonard's feet and Sheldon can see a few cardboard carriers containing dark beer bottles.

"Finally, the one beverage to rule them all is, of course, my attempt at making mead," he finishes, pointing to two large glass jugs on the table near Wil's elbow. These jugs contain a honey-gold colored liquid, which makes sense given that mead is made by fermenting honey.

"Don't you think it's a little premature to declare yourself the winner, Raj?" asks Leonard before turning to address Sheldon and George. "George, Stuart, and Wil are going to judge."

Sheldon has no interest in drinking these concoctions, but he still feels a little left out. "What about me?"

"We just figured you'd look on and scoff in disapproval. We know how you like that," Howard replies.

That's true enough. Maybe George was correct that his friends really do know him.

He barely finishes this thought before he hears Howard add, "When we're finished with the contest, however, we also have some special entertainment planned."

Okay, so maybe they don't know him. He doesn't see any scantily clad women around, but there is an extensive amount of shrubbery where they could be lurking. He reaches in his pocket to check for his whistle just in case.

Howard seems to be enjoying Sheldon's discomfiture. "What's wrong Sheldon? Don't you want one last chance to enjoy your youth? Experience the forbidden? Take advantage of one final opportunity to recklessly engage in something that your future wife will not be amused by?"

Sheldon just stares with widened eyes. He is a half-second away from turning to run when Howard and the rest of the guys burst out laughing. A camera flash goes off on Wil's iPhone, and he says, "This is going right up on Instagram. You should see your face right now, Sheldon."

Howard puts him out of his misery when he explains, "When Bernie and I cleaned out the attic, we found my old Lego sets from when I was a kid. I have several Star Wars sets, and I thought it was something we could all work on putting together tonight. I know Lego is not a hobby that you and Amy have in common. Anyhow, it seemed like an activity that a weirdo like you might like to indulge in on your last night as a free man."

It's an immense relief to hear this, and Sheldon is touched by Howard's thoughtfulness. At the same time, though, he wants to karate chop him for being such a schmuck. He decides in an instant that it's best to focus on what's truly important here.

"Where are the Lego pieces?"

"They're in this bag here. We've cleaned them up, but they are still unsorted."

Sheldon takes the bag from Howard's outstretched hand and brings the booty over to a large, empty table that is set up further back in the garage. He dumps out the bag, and an avalanche of colored bricks quickly takes over the center of the table.

He hears his friends pouring drinks, and before long they all seat themselves nearby and begin sorting out the pieces with him.

"Do you think Bernadette is going to object to keeping all of these Lego creations around?" Leonard asks Howard.

"Actually, she seemed to think they looked pretty fun. That sentiment didn't last very long, though, because she stepped on one of the loose pieces with her bare foot."

Everyone winces in sympathy.

"Let's just say that things rapidly deteriorated from there…"

Stuart commiserates, "My mom used to call that 'the Lego Kiss'. During my peak Lego building years, getting across our living room was like walking through a minefield."

Wil adds, "Yeah, I think we've all been there. It's a special kind of pain that makes stubbing your toe seem like a walk in the park in comparison. Though, I still say the king of all foot pain is stepping on a d4."

"You know, that was never much of a problem when we were kids," George chimes in. "Sheldon was always pretty obsessive about organizing his Lego and D&D stuff. I thought it was annoying as hell at the time, but I've had kids since then. Now I know how much foot pain he saved me from back in the day. Thanks bro."

He slaps Sheldon on the back with gusto. It's a vigorous enough motion that the bricks in Sheldon's hands go flying.

"So Sheldon, speaking of family fun time, how has your week with the clan been?" Howard asks.

Sheldon bends town to snag the fallen pieces. "It's been nice to see everyone, I suppose. I do find myself missing my routine, though."

"Especially now that your routine usually includes a certain frumpy but fabulous houseguest, am I right?" Raj leers.

Sheldon sees George's eyes widen in surprise to Raj's query. While his friends are all well aware of this aspect of his relationship's progression, he hasn't felt the need to inform his family.

Raj's question brings up some feelings that Sheldon has been trying very hard to stifle all week. His family has only been in town for five days, and he has continued to see Amy on every single one of them. Still, he misses her. It's much more difficult to get to sleep at night without her drooling on his shoulder.

Besides that, he has some unfinished business to attend to with her. The last time that they were alone together had been a revelation for Sheldon, and he was not pleased to be interrupted. The inability to finish what they had started has continued to irritate him all week, like an itch that he simply can't reach to scratch. Maybe he should have tried harder when Amy was teaching him how to get over his obsessive need for closure last year.

"I would prefer to have her with me," he answers simply and turns his attention back to the Lego building instructions.

Not wanting to address Raj's question any further, he clears his throat and refocuses on the task at hand, "Does anyone see a 1x4 gray piece with three holes in it?"

—-

* * *

XXIV.

Missy thinks that Amy and Bernadette sound like architects planning out a great piece of engineering as they discuss what should be a simple little dessert.

"Well, our spherical cake turned out pretty great, but it did have some definite structural issues," Amy analyzes.

"How about something like a pyramid? That certainly would provide a steady base," Bernadette proposes.

Emily enthusiastically interjects, "Ooh, we could model it after the Aztec pyramids! You know, the ones they used for ritual human sacrifice. We could do up a raspberry puree to form a river of blood that flows from a heart at the apex of the pyramid."

Missy isn't sure how such a seemingly sweet girl could suggest such a thing. That girl ain't right.

It's fortunate that her mother, Meemaw, and Amy's mother have all gone out together. They said something about leaving the younger girls to celebrate Amy's final evening as an unmarried woman. Missy wishes that she'd had time to plan a more raucous evening, but she didn't know the older ladies would be absent. Instead, they had planned a safe evening of wedding cake preparation at Amy's apartment.

Oh well. At least Penny brought plenty of booze.

Bernadette, Amy, and Penny all seem to have frozen in response to Emily's weird suggestion. Missy decides it's best to point out a problem that she's sure even Emily will recognize.

"You ever been proselytized to by a small, aging, born-again Christian woman from east Texas?"

"No…"

"Would you like to be?"

"Not really."

"Neither would we, but that right there is how you go about gettin' yourself a sermon, honey. Shelly and I used to call it 'reachin' for a preachin'. Best if we keep this to something a bit more tame."

Emily just shrugs.

When Missy and the girls arrived, they found that Amy had already baked several layers of cake and had prepared frosting and fondant. All that is left to do is assembly and decoration. With any luck, they'll be able to finish the process before the alcohol impairs their fine motor skills.

"Maybe just the traditional look of a tiered cake?" Amy suggests, but she doesn't sound all that thrilled by the idea.

"I think you guys deserve something more special than that," Penny responds.

"Before I came over, Raj told me that a proper wedding cake should represent the couple that it is made for," Emily says to Amy. "He gets a little theatrical when talking about cooking, but he might have a point. So what do you think could symbolize the two of you?"

"I can't say I've ever thought about my life in terms of cake before…" Amy answers.

Missy can't say she's ever thought deep thoughts about life and cake either. From what she remembers of Rajesh, she's not too surprised that he might have. Maybe they should call him, since he's able to actually speak now.

But then, she sees it.

"That right there. That is you guys," Missy says while pointing at a haphazard stack of books on Amy's coffee table. It's an eclectic pile of medieval literature, comic books, and science textbooks.

Amy smiles in agreement, "That could definitely work. If we each decorate one layer as a book, we can just stack them when we're done."

Armed with a plan, everyone eagerly gets to work. They decide to have Amy cut out the fondant lettering for the book titles and authors. That leaves the other four of them to frost and apply fondant to their layer. Bernadette and Emily work on Amy's favorites, _Pride and Prejudice_ and _T_ _he Canterbury Tales_. For Sheldon, Penny is doing _The Lord of the Rings_ , and Missy is doing a Modern Physics textbook.

With everyone doing their part, the cake quickly comes together. When they are finished stacking it up, they stand back to admire their efforts.

"It's not quite perfect," Bernadette critiques while tilting her head to the side.

Amy shrugs. "Neither are the two of us. If Raj's grandiose cake theory is valid, then it will suit us just fine."

Penny has the final word on the subject. "That is a spectacular stack of nerdiness," she declares with a smile, before stepping over to the fridge to get out another bottle of wine.

—-

Notes: I just want to say a quick thank you to those of you who have posted guest reviews. There have been a few that were so kind it was hard to believe that they were about my story/writing. This is only my second story, and the encouragement has meant a great deal to me.


	11. Chapter 11

XXV.

"Here you are Leonard," says Sheldon as he opens the front door to Penny's apartment. "Where shall I leave these for you?" he adds, jingling the keys in his hand.

"For the last time, Sheldon: George and I aren't drunk!"

Nobody had been able to stomach more than the slightest sip of Howard's moonshine. So other than one beer and one small glass of mead apiece, no one had had all that much to drink. Nevertheless, George's alcohol-phobic brother had been adamant about driving them both back to the apartment building.

Leonard is obviously peeved. George considers himself an expert on feeling annoyed with Sheldon, so he can sympathize pretty easily. The little guy is pretty polite about it, though, because he adds, "Thanks for driving me home anyway… I guess," before closing the door in Sheldon's face.

Speaking of which… "I didn't know that you even knew how to drive, Shelly. Last I heard, you were 'too evolved' for driving."

Sheldon moves to unlock the door to 4A. "Amy taught me at the end of last year. It turns out that she was the only one who proved up to the task. Maybe a superior species simply requires a superior teacher."

"From what I heard tonight, that's not the only thing she's managed to teach you," George lowers his voice to a very soft whisper as they make their way into the apartment.

Missy is asleep on the couch, while his mother and Meemaw are occupying Leonard's room. He and Shelly have been sharing Sheldon's room, which Sheldon has accepted with greater dignity than George would have expected. It's just a sleeping bag on the floor of his brother's room, but still, by Sheldon's standards that's pretty hospitable.

He knows that he probably shouldn't rile his brother up by talking about this subject, but it's completely irresistible to tease him. Sheldon ignores his initial volley, but after they cross the living room he fires another shot.

"I never thought I'd see the day. Seriously, bro, it's like finding out that pigs really can fly, and for some reason we all just never noticed they had wings."

George sees his brother gather up pajamas from an overly tidy drawer in his dresser. "I possess neither wings nor hooves, and I fail to see the point of this conversation."

Of course he doesn't see it. "My point is… what are you even doing here?"

"I live here," Sheldon answers, and George sees his familiar look of baffled condescension.

George sighs. "It's pretty obvious from what you said earlier that you'd prefer to have Amy here. Well… maybe you should just take a chance and go over to her place tonight."

His brother freezes in place with a pair of childish superhero pajamas dangling from his left elbow. Who would've thought that those were even available in a size to fit Sheldon's tall frame?

"I can't do that. What about Mom and Meemaw?" Sheldon looks scandalized. "Besides, Amy's mother is staying over at her apartment…"

"Think of it as your last chance to sneak out behind your parent's back to meet a girl. It ain't like that's an experience you had a shot at back when you were a teen. I'm thinking it's not likely that Amy was ever the sort to sneak around either. So… go give your girl a little thrill."

George is kind of proud to see his pretentious, good-two-shoes little brother actually tempted to do this.

"But… her mother?"

George shrugs. "Well, you could always just not get caught. But, hell Shelly, even if you do, what is she going to do? Insist you marry her daughter?" He snorts.

Sheldon remains silent for several seconds, clearly thinking it over. Eventually, he turns back to his dresser and plops his nightwear back inside of it before firmly closing the drawer. When he's done, he faces George and looks very serious when he says, "Don't tell Mom."

George is relieved to see that his brother has enough sense to leave those ridiculous pajamas behind.

Smiling, he offers reassurance. "Of course not. You were a huge pest when we were growin' up, but you never were a tattler when it came to my own sneaking-out adventures. I'm happy to return the favor. If you're back early enough, ain't nobody ever gonna find out."

His brother still looks a bit hesitant, but George sees him gulp sharply and ball his fists in determination. Reaching into his pocket, George fumbles around for his rental car keys. He dangles the key ring from the tip of his right index finger and stretches his arm out in Sheldon's direction.

George's mind once again is filled with the image of winged swine because Sheldon actually reaches out and takes the keys.

Well, what do you know? It looks like his little brother really does have hormones after all.

—-

* * *

XXVI.

Sheldon has his hand poised over Amy's front door when he remembers that knocking would probably not be wise. He digs into his coat pocket to retrieve his keys and tries to unlock and open the door as stealthily as possible.

Sticking his head in for a peek, he sees nothing but Amy's dark living room. He steps into the room and slowly closes the door. Suddenly, he is startled by a thunderous clap of sound emanating from Amy's couch. It nearly makes him drop his keys and bolt from the room. Curiosity halts him, though, and he chances a few brave steps forward to see what could be causing that ruckus.

He breathes a sigh of relief, sort of, when he realizes it is just Amy's mother snoring away. She is propped up on a mound of pillows, and he remembers Amy telling him about her mother's difficulty sleeping due to allergies.

Sheldon didn't realize that such a condition could make someone sound like a wounded warthog. Her next snore jolts him again, and he nearly lets out a squeak. Covering his mouth with his hand, he starts to tiptoe around the couch.

He stops on the far side of the room to take one last look at the odd spectacle. How does such a tiny woman manage to create such a racket?

At that moment, her position shifts, and the air is instantly filled with an entirely different sound. This one is more reminiscent of Darth Vader's deep breathing. He feels frozen in place, in odd deference to the evil emperor.

At that moment, it occurs to Sheldon that standing here in the dark, staring at his future mother-in-law is not a good idea. How on Earth would he explain away his presence if she were to wake up, or worse yet, if Amy were to come in? Telling her that he was sucked in to the hideous vortex of sound that was swirling around her mother doesn't seem like it would go over very well.

He makes his way down the short hallway to the Tardis' doors of Amy's bedroom and lets himself inside. When he closes this set of doors, he finds that he can no longer hear Amy's mother snoring. Apparently, these doors dampen sound pretty well. He adds this as yet another entry on his mental list of reasons to love Doctor Who and the Tardis.

Squinting against the darkness, Sheldon can see that the woman in repose in this room is the correct Fowler. He heads over to her window and opens the curtains to let in enough light that he won't bludgeon himself on any of her bedroom furniture. The moon is bright, and the sky is every bit as cloudless as it usually is in this part of the state, so her room ends up fairly well lit from just the one window.

They have shared her bed here on a few occasions, and Sheldon feels reasonably comfortable about shucking off his jacket and stripping down to his Superman Underoos before climbing in. With one knee on her bed, he suddenly remembers that there is no lock on the bedroom doors. Being interrupted would be utterly unacceptable, so he gingerly gets up and quietly nudges Amy's armchair over to block the Tardis entrance.

Shuffling back towards the bed, he is pleased to be reminded that Amy does not have her mother's unfortunate snoring habit. She is breathing softly, and the wet hair and minty toothpaste smell of her indicates that she has not been sleeping for very long. It's warm enough that she has kicked off her blanket, and he sees that she is wearing one of his old Green Lantern t-shirts and some kind of lacy women's underwear.

As he carefully sits on the edge of the bed, he contemplates the best way to alert her to his presence. Deciding that his traditional greeting makes sense, he scooches up next to her and leans his face right by her ear. He reaches up to tap softly on the headboard three times before whispering her name quietly into her ear.

She doesn't wake up, so he repeats it a second time. Feeling relieved that he gets a chance for all three repetitions, he whispers her name a little louder on the final set.

At that, she gasps sharply and starts sitting up. He is just barely able to dodge out of her way enough that she doesn't slam her forehead into his nose. It occurs to him that maybe waking up to a tall, semi-naked man looming over oneself could be a little alarming.

All of a sudden, she comes awake enough to realize who is calling her name. "What the hell, Sheldon?" she whispers in her own kind of familiar greeting.

Sheldon hadn't really thought about what he was going to say to her. He's pretty sure that his genius will kick in at any minute and guide him to say something brilliant. He opens his mouth.

"Umm…"

He sees her look down his body and note his state of dress - or undress in this case. Her expression softens considerably before shifting into a smirk.

"Been missing someone?" she asks.

A brilliant rejoinder eludes him, so instead he just nods. That is absolutely why he is here.

Her face switches from amusement to panic. "What about my mother?"

Amy must not be operating under full brain power at this time of night either, because she was pretty slow to realize that he has snuck in passed her mother. She is whispering much more quietly now, so Sheldon lowers his own voice even more as well.

"Oh, she's fine. She couldn't hear me over the sound of her own… exhalations."

It's not easy to describe those terrible sounds politely, but Sheldon gives it his best try. Amy is obviously trying to stifle a giggle, so it must not have been too offensive. Sheldon continues, "Maybe you should ask Leonard for the number of his otolaryngologist. His deviated septum surgery did wonders for his sinuses."

Amy's muffled chuckle fade to a soft smile. "That's very thoughtful of you, and you're probably right that she should have it checked out. But… you didn't really come here to talk to me about my mother, did you?"

He glances down at her lips before moving his eyes back to hers.

"No. No I did not," he confesses, barely breathing out the sound at this point.

"Good," Amy whispers right back into his mouth and then steals what little breath he has left when she plants a kiss on his lips.

Sheldon takes the liberty of sneaking his hands up under her Green Lantern shirt, and her skin is even softer than the old, worn cotton that covers her. There's no bra underneath, and Sheldon breathes a sigh of relief that he won't have to try to navigate that contraption. He's gotten much better at it over the last few months, but at 1:00 in the morning, he's not sure he'd have the wherewithal to maneuver it.

After he pulls off the little bit of clothing that she has on, he feels her eagerly reach for his own lone piece of attire. That won't do. It would be much too distracting, and Sheldon is a man on a mission. He halts her hand with his own and breaks their kiss to begin a whispered explanation.

"Amy… you are aware that I have… certain issues with closure. We began something last week that was interrupted, but I have every intention of seeing it through."

He sees her swallow roughly before she answers, "Sheldon, that's not… it's not like that. You don't owe me anything. Just because I do something for you… it's not like there's some debt that you need to repay…"

This isn't the response that Sheldon has been expecting from her. It's not even close. He is well aware of her interest in this particular activity after having read all of that fanfic she's been writing. She probably doesn't know that he knows about that. Still, he wasn't anticipating any kind of objection.

"But I want to," is the only response he can think of to give her, and it is as good as any because it is simply the truth.

He wants to make her feel the way that she made him feel the last time they were together. Well, it wouldn't be quite precisely the same, but the gender equivalent. Sheldon isn't sure how to explain it to her - how amazing the experience had been for him and how he feels an overwhelming compulsion to give that experience back to her.

Unsure of what else to say or do, he decides to approach the matter in the same way that she did for him. He kisses her mouth gently before making his way down her neck and chest. Already familiar with these areas of her body, he knows exactly what she likes.

Pressing one last kiss to her abdomen, he turns his face to look up at her and rests the side of his head on the soft skin of her belly. "I won't if you don't want me to."

She still looks more nervous than he would prefer, but it also looks like the lust might be starting to win out over her hesitation.

She doesn't respond, so he continues, "Are you concerned that I won't like it?"

When she turns her head away, he suspects that he has hit upon the correct issue. An admitted germaphobe, he can see how she might have this concern.

It's really not a problem, though. Amy is the single most hygienic person he has ever known. Her kitchen and bathroom are so spotless that one could perform valid scientific experiments in them. He knows this for a fact because they have done precisely that on several occasions.

Sheldon sighs and traces the bottom edge of her ribcage with his index finger while he tries to figure out what to say. It's so much easier when they don't talk.

She turns her head back to look at him and raises one eyebrow. "Aren't you concerned about that?" she whispers, answering his question with one of her own.

"No," he responds simply, but then figures he ought to elaborate, "Amy… it may have taken me a long time to… accept certain realities about you and I. But it has always been true - and it has been proven time and time again - that… I like you."

His explanation sounds woefully insufficient, even to his own ears, so he forces himself to babble on. "I mean, I love everything about you, and there's no reason to think that this will be any different. It's going to be fine."

There's got to be a better way to say that, but the right words just won't come to his mind. He shrugs and then starts running his right hand from the line of her ribs to her iliac crest, and then down towards her inner thigh.

After only a few moments of contemplation, she finally nods assent, but then she buries her face under one of her arms.

He decides it's best to whisper one final warning, "You're probably going to want to try to be quiet."

At that, her head pops back out from her hiding place and he sees her shocked face. Their conversation must have caused her to forget about the current circumstances of their dalliance. When he wiggles down the bed and starts to encourage her to move her legs, he sees her eyes widen even further. He gives her a smile of reassurance before focusing his attention on the matter at hand.

Sheldon has been spelunking south of the border often enough to be quite familiar with the lay of the land. He lets his hand get reacquainted with some of the well-known features that he is about to get to know even better. As uncertain as Sheldon is about what to do, past experience with Amy has taught him that it's most effective to begin slowly. With this in mind, he takes the time to kiss her inner thighs and generally explore the areas surrounding ground zero.

At the first experimental swipe of his tongue, it becomes clear that they are going to have a problem. Not with the act itself, of course, because he likes Amy just as much as he always does. No, the problem is that it is obvious that Amy will not be able to be quiet. She buries her face back in her arms and that seems to muffle her a little bit.

It takes a while before Sheldon is able to work up any kind of friction down here. It reminds him, oddly enough, of almost exactly what it feels like to lick Jello.

As time goes by, she gets increasingly louder. Eventually, she reaches down to grab his unoccupied hand, and her plan becomes clear when she stretches his arm up far enough to be able to fit two of his fingers into her mouth. It's an effective enough strategy, and she is soon relatively quiet again.

He is contemplating the logistics of trying to add a hand in to the mix, but it is much too late because she suddenly sucks sharply on his hand while thrusting her hips up into his face. The feeling of her body pulsing so intimately against his tongue is more fascinating than he had anticipated.

She is still breathing harshly when he kisses his way back up to her mouth. To his great relief, his Vulcan hearing does not detect any noise coming from the other room. Amy smiles at him and reaches down to yank on his bright red undies.

"It's your turn to try to be quiet," she whispers hoarsely into his mouth.

He is certainly not going to turn her down.

It's impossible to be graceful while removing underwear quickly, so Sheldon isn't surprised to catch Amy snickering at him as the garment gets tangled on his left foot. After he successfully manages to kick it away, he moves over to her, and Amy wraps her legs around his hips in invitation.

He sinks into her, and after only a few seconds he feels his body make its usual attempt to embarrass him. That's unacceptable, but Sheldon has become adept at stifling the initial rush.

Also helping to distract him is the annoying sound of the headboard rhythmically tapping against Amy's wall. It's quite a distinctive sound, and Sheldon is certain that it would give them away if Amy's mother were to wake up and notice it. He tries to move as slowly as possible, in the hope that it won't strike the wall so much, but eventually he can't resist more vigorous movement. The aggravating sound intrudes once again in response to the change.

With a mostly stifled groan, he forces himself to stop moving entirely. Amy looks surprised, but her surprise turns to understanding when he reaches for a pillow and shoves it between the headboard and the wall.

Now the only noises are the ones that he and Amy make. It seems easier to keep their sounds to a minimum if he keeps his mouth in contact with hers, but it's not like that's any great hardship. Unable to hold back a third time, he grasps tightly onto Amy's shoulders and lets himself lose control.

The euphoria is slow to fade, but eventually Sheldon's OCD kicks in and reminds him that he should probably move. They're undoubtedly creating a pretty extensive, inverse Rorschach painting on these dark linens.

"I don't want to leave," he confesses in lieu of getting up.

With a soft sigh she rubs his shoulders and says, "We're fully grown adults, and we don't need to explain ourselves. You can stay."

As much as Sheldon would like to stay, he has no desire to justify his presence here to either of their mothers. Amy wants a simple, pleasant wedding day, and so does he. There is no reason to add a potential complication.

"I know. What you're saying is absolutely true…" he agrees and focuses his eyes on hers, "but I bet our day will be more peaceable if I leave."

She nods and then offers a small, conciliatory smile. "I understand. It's our last night apart anyway." She nudges his side gently with her elbow, "And hey, it turns out that we didn't spend it so far apart after all."

—-

* * *

Notes: Thanks to mphs95 for beta reading this chapter, and thanks again to the rest of you for reading!

Chapter 12 will be posted on Wednesday.


	12. Chapter 12

XXVII.

"Where are Sheldon and Amy?" Raj asks when he sees Leonard and Penny walk through the door to the comic book store.

Leonard shrugs. "All these years and he wakes up at 6:15am without fail. For some reason, come this very important day, he decides he has to sleep in. I mean, sure, we kept him up a few hours past his normal bedtime, but I figured that would only make him more stubborn about his schedule by morning."

"I know, right? I mean he's missing laundry night today. To get _married_. It's like 'The Twilight Zone' or something," Penny chimes in. "Well, at least you got him to roll over and tell you to go away. I couldn't even get Amy to answer her phone."

She turns to Raj. "Is Amy or her mother here?"

"Her mother is in the back room planning out some things with Sheldon's mother and grandmother. Amy, on the other hand, is conspicuously absent," Raj answers and turns to lead them to the entrance of the large storage room.

"If they were any kind of normal couple, I'd assume that meant they were plotting some last minute canoodling this morning," Penny snorts as they make their way across the store. Raj and Leonard both scoff with incredulity as well. That's quite the unlikely scenario.

Sheldon and Amy's thirteen guests have all showed up early to help prepare the area for later this afternoon. It's a good sized space and has been kept free of store merchandise just as Stuart had promised. Raj has been trying to stifle the desire to go into full wedding planner mode ever since he arrived. It's such a blank slate here, and his imagination wants to take hold of it and turn it into a romantic wonderland.

"'Sup," Stuart greets them. Raj bobs his head in greeting and then glances around at the other odd occupants of the room. Maybe Sheldon and Amy are right that something a little less grandiose would suit them all better.

"I have brought some things to help us decorate," Raj announces, and he sees most of the room look back at him warily. Sure, he has a bit of a reputation for overdoing these things, but he has given this one a lot of thought. "Don't worry, it's just a few things to help us transform this place into something that will be more appropriate for Amy and Sheldon."

For some reason that only seems to make everyone look even more wary.

He sighs and points to a table in the far corner. "Pumpkins! I thought most of you could work on carving these. Once they are lit, they should add a pretty interesting twist on the whole candlelit dinner idea."

Fortunately, his friends look quite intrigued by this.

"Also, I have brought glow-in-the-dark stars," he says and hands them to Howard. "You and I can work on creating some authentic constellations on the ceiling."

He turns to the older ladies. "Mrs. Cooper? Ms. Fowler? Mrs. Cooper? I see you were able to find the candles and flowers that you were hoping for. There are some table linens and utensils out in my car. I trust we can count on the three of you to give us all some traditional class?"

The three women nod, and Raj thinks that they look pleased to have a role in the preparations.

After setting everyone up with a task, Raj pushes an empty table to the center of the room to stand on. Cassiopeia, Andromeda, and Pegasus are pretty much straight overhead tonight, so he guides Howard on where to stick the stars to mimic these constellations. He figures it's best to be authentic for the important star formations because Sheldon is just the right brand of crazy to notice that kind of thing.

Raj can hear Leonard and Penny debating about what design to use for their pumpkin. Eventually, they settle on carving the wedding date with Sheldon and Amy's names.

"Let's carve 'Shamy' instead of Sheldon and Amy," Penny suggests.

"Doesn't that nickname kind of annoy them?" Leonard replies.

Penny raises an eyebrow and says, "Yes, but it's still adorable! Annoying Sheldon is just a bit of a bonus."

Leonard snickers before responding, "Yeah, you're right. Let's use 'Shamy'."

Next to those two, he sees Bernadette working with his Emily.

"We really can't do anything with too much of a horror theme, Emily."

"But carving always reminds me of blood…"

"Yeah. That's not happening. I've heard that the sight of blood makes Sheldon faint. Let's just do some ornate flowers and hearts."

He sees that Emily doesn't look that thrilled about such a mundane carving. Bernadette must see her reluctance too because she adds, "Just think of all the extravagant knifework that you'll get to do for something that fancy…"

Raj isn't surprised that this little tidbit is enough to sell Emily on the idea.

He turns back to his own project and sees that Howard has mixed up the position of Ursa Minor and Pisces. "Dude, you've got those backwards."

Howard looks up and shrugs it off. "It's just stars. Who cares?"

"Who cares?" Raj squeaks out, "Gee, I don't know… perhaps your good astrophysicist friend!?"

Howard holds up his hands in surrender. "Fine. This is your plan, not mine. I still think we should have just shaped these into the outlines of superheroes instead…"

That actually sounds like it would've been pretty great. Oh well. Speaking of super heroes, Raj can hear Wil and Stuart carefully working on their pumpkin. A quick glance shows that the face mask of Spiderman is slowly emerging from the bright orange sphere.

The fourth and final pumpkin is being carved by Missy and George. It looks like they decided on a traditional looking jack-o-lantern face. They've bickered far less than all of the other pairs, which surprises Raj. Perhaps their sibling dynamic doesn't get truly screwed up unless Sheldon is present.

Since everyone is diligently working on their tasks, the room quickly begins to match Raj's vision. The mothers and Sheldon's Meemaw have done an excellent job at setting up two tables with bright white tablecloths, simple mason jar candles, and a few vases full of local flowers. With any luck, Sheldon will not refer to these blooms as 'severed plant genitalia' today. The girls' unusual wedding cake adorns the center of a small third table.

When they are all finished and preparing to leave, Raj turns back to take one last look at the scene. It strikes him as a bit more odd than it does romantic. With that thought, he feels reassured that it is just right for this particular couple.

—-

* * *

XXVIII.

Penny knocks briskly on Amy's door before barging into her apartment. Bernadette, Emily, and Amy's mother pour in after her, all of them carrying supplies.

When she doesn't spot her in the main room of the apartment, Penny calls out, "Amy?" but there is no response.

"You don't think she got cold feet, do you?" Bernadette asks with a soft, concerned voice.

"Well, if I were about to marry Sheldon, I think I'd have cold everything. Of course, that would also mean that hell itself had frozen over," Penny quips. Turning more serious she says, "But no, there's just no way that she'd back out of this. She's all aboard that crazy train."

Just as Penny finishes speaking, she hears a door close. She then spots Amy in her bathrobe, pulling off a shower cap. Amy appears startled when she steps across the hallway and sees the small crowd gathered in her living room.

"Whoa. Um, hi everyone."

"We were starting to worry about you, dear," her mother says kindly. "Are you ill? You were quite out of it this morning when I tried to wake you up to meet your friends."

Penny has been quite concerned as well. It isn't like Amy to miss something like that, and her friend seems to be acting a little weird right now. Well, weird in a different way than her usual, anyway.

"Oh. Yeah, I was a little tired this morning. I'm sorry I missed out on the decorating. Did everything go ok?"

"Well, we did have Raj there, our own little Martha Stewart," Emily answers. "I think you and Sheldon will both be pretty happy with it."

"Sheldon wasn't there to help?"

Penny fills her in, "No, Leonard couldn't seem to drag him out of bed this morning either. Usually he is up with the first rays of the sun, ready to annoy the world. Leonard thinks that maybe they had him out too far past his bedtime yesterday."

It always feels a little like Penny is talking about a kid when it comes to Sheldon, but that was what Leonard had told her. She even tried to make it sound more mature by not mentioning how he was out late because he was building Lego sculptures with his friends.

When Penny looks over at Amy, she sees her making her guilty face. "Oh, that must be it. Sheldon does feel pretty strongly about getting the requisite amount of REM sleep."

What a terrible liar that girl is. Penny raises an eyebrow at the obvious misdirection, but she figures that she'll have to wait for girls' night to try to pry the truth out of her friend. Clearing her throat to keep herself from commenting, Penny turns to pick up a garment bag.

"We thought that it would be fun to gather together while we get ready," Penny says, and she sees Amy breathe a subtle sigh of relief.

"Bathroom dibs," Bernadette calls out and waddles down Amy's short hallway with a very bulky bundle.

Amy's mother shows Emily the way to Amy's bedroom to change as well.

"So, Ames, I got the picture you sent, and I don't think we'll have any trouble fixing up your hair that way."

Amy has decided on a dress and hairstyle that is inspired by the character Sybil Crawley from the tv show _Downton Abbey_. Penny is pretty sure that she will be able to recreate the simple, vintage style updo that Amy wants.

She is still working on Amy's hair when Emily emerges from the bedroom. Emily is wearing an old-fashioned pioneer woman's dress with braided hair. It reminds Penny of-

"I'm Laura Ingalls from _Little House on the Prairie._ "

"You look great!" Amy exclaims.

"I was originally going to dress as Sally from _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ , but Raj suggested this because he knows that you and I are both fans of the books," Emily responds.

With her red hair done up in braids like that, Penny thinks she looks kind of like Pippy Longstocking. It's probably not a good idea to mention that out loud, though.

Just then, Bernadette floats back into the living room. She has on her Cinderella outfit from their trip to Disneyland two years ago. It looks like she might be wearing a petticoat or something underneath it, because the bottom of the dress is fluffed out much farther than Penny remembers. Bernadette is so small, and Penny wonders if she is enjoying taking up more space than she usually does with that bulky skirt.

"I'm Cinderella!" she announces with a high-pitched squeak of excitement.

While everyone admires Bernadette's costume choice, Penny hopes that her friend will resist the urge to refer to the rest of them as 'bitches' today. The little woman got a bit crazy the last time she got to be Cinderella.

After putting the finishing touches on Amy's hair, she excuses herself to get dressed.

Penny hasn't chosen to dress up in a costume and has instead decided to wear a fairly conservative skirt and blouse. She checks her appearance in Amy's bedroom mirror and feels surprised to see the nervous, jittery expression on her own face. She is so excited for these two to get married that she actually feels a bit rattled.

When she steps out of Amy's room, she sees Ms. Fowler is already dressed. It looks like she chose to be herself as well, in a pretty floral print dress. Penny overhears her chatting softly with Amy in the hallway and sneaks back into the bedroom to hide. She has a fleeting thought to walk away and give them privacy, but she shakes off the niggling bit of guilt and instead focuses every fiber of her being on eavesdropping.

"It makes me so happy to see you with all these friends, honey."

"They've been friends of mine for years, Mother, you just didn't seem to believe me."

"Well, you were a little… insular… when you were growing up. I'm just happy for you now. And of course Sheldon seems like a lovely young man."

That's not exactly the way that Penny would choose to describe Sheldon, but she's glad that Amy won't have to deal with her mother's disapproval.

Amy's mother continues, "I'm sure you're a bit nervous about your wedding night. That's quite natural for a girl's first time. Perhaps I can offer you some advice, dear?"

Penny has to choke down a laugh. She really wishes that she could see Amy's face from here. Part of her wants to find out how Amy will navigate out of the conversation, but as Amy's best friend, she feels obligated to rescue her from something like this.

When she steps out of Amy's room this time, she makes sure to clear her throat loudly. "Hey Ames! I know you decided to forgo makeup, but you really should consider getting dressed, don't you think?"

Amy turns away from her mother and steps toward Penny with a look of gratitude. "You're right, Penny, it is getting late."

"Do you need any assistance, Amy?" Ms. Fowler calls after her.

Penny sees panic cross Amy's features again very briefly, but then Amy turns back and says confidently, "No thank you, Mother. I've got it covered."

—-

* * *

XXIX.

"Very funny, Missy," Sheldon huffs out with his arms folded across his chest.

Leonard looks up to see that Sheldon's sister has dressed up to look like her twin brother. She's wearing one of his usual date night dress shirts and a pair of dark dress pants. It all fits her remarkably well since she is just as tall as Sheldon.

"What? I _am_ your twin, and I bet Amy will love it. Looks like I should have added on the suit coat and tie, though."

Sheldon doesn't respond, but Mary Cooper has wandered in from Leonard's old room. "Aww, well aren't you looking adorable. You know, this reminds me of how I used to dress you two alike when you were babies."

"You didn't…" Sheldon sounds aghast.

"Oh, it's alright Shelly, all babies look alike anyway, and I needed to do something to amuse myself and stay sane. Y'all were a bit of a handful when you were just born."

Leonard wonders if she dressed them up in frilly girly dresses and, more importantly, if there are pictures. Sheldon's wrinkled forehead makes him think that his friend is puzzling out the same thing. Before Sheldon gets a chance to ask, Mary deftly changes the subject.

"And you are looking quite handsome, Shelly. You could use a comb through that hair, though."

Sheldon is dressed as the tenth Doctor Who, and Leonard knows that the slightly messy hair is part of the look. A navy, pinstriped suit with a loosened tie and collar complete the costume. Leonard doubts that Sheldon will bother to explain this sci-fi character to Mary.

"Amy is fond of this hairstyle," Sheldon defends, and when he doesn't twitch, Leonard remembers that this is actually a true statement. What had she called it? Oh, right 'sex on a stick.' Leonard certainly wouldn't go that far, but his buddy does look pretty good.

As for himself, Leonard has not chosen to dress up as anyone in particular. Nevertheless, to his great annoyance, Sheldon keeps referring to him as 'Alfred'. It started when he was helping Sheldon with his tie. Maybe Leonard's simple brown suit and small bowtie are somewhat reminiscent of Batman's butler, but he thinks it's probably just Sheldon being an ass.

George and Sheldon's Meemaw are sitting quietly on the couch, and Leonard thinks it is wise of them to stay out of the fray. Meemaw is wearing a nice blouse with dress slacks. In honor of the holiday, she is also wearing a pair of fuzzy cat ears atop her head. George looks like quite the Texas gentleman, with a plaid button-up shirt, dress pants, and cowboy boots.

A sharp knock on the front door indicates that Raj and Howard have arrived. He has to bite his tongue to keep from snapping at Sheldon who says, "Could you get that, Alfred?"

He settles for shooting an annoyed glance his former roommate's way and gets up from the comfort of the armchair to answer the door. He is surprised to find that both Raj and Howard are politely attired as well, with suits and ties for both.

"I thought for sure that the two of you would have costumes," Leonard says as he lets them in.

"Oh, but I do," says Howard. He pulls a pair of lensless, thick-rimmed glasses out of his coat pocket and puts them on. "See, I'm Clark Kent! I even have a Superman t-shirt under here…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. You can't be Clark Kent," Raj interrupts and pulls out a pair of glasses from his pocket as well. "I'm Clark Kent."

"How embarrassing! You're wearing the same outfit," Leonard jokes. The pair does not look amused, however.

They continue to bicker as Leonard makes his way over to Sheldon's room. When he returns to the room a moment later, he catches the tail end of their argument.

"… and Aquaman sucks!" Raj finishes with gusto.

"Guys, calm down. I have a solution," Leonard says and hands a perfectly folded Batman t-shirt to Raj. "Here, go put this on under your suit. Congratulations, you're Bruce Wayne."

"Thanks Alfred!" Sheldon hollers from across the room.

It's Sheldon's wedding day, and the guy actually does sound genuinely grateful that Leonard helped diffuse the argument, so Leonard lets the comment go. Plopping himself back into his seat, he reminds himself that he will be passing Sheldon off to be entirely Amy's problem soon enough anyway.

—-

* * *

Notes: The next chapter should go up tomorrow. Comments are welcome and very appreciated!


	13. Chapter 13

XXX.

Throughout Sheldon's entire life, he has inevitably found that there is some disaster waiting to befall him. No matter what he does, life seems to have one embarrassing moment after another in store for him. When he had told Amy about this observation a few weeks ago, she had insisted that he was just being pessimistic. She'd told him that Murphy's Law was just a silly adage and, despite its name, not an actual law of science.

Still, as Sheldon makes his way across the comic book store to the place where he is about to be married, he is certain that something will go wrong. At least this time he doesn't have to wonder about exactly what it will be. He pretty much knows.

It was a few months ago that he had discussed wedding vows with Amy. Foolishly, Sheldon had assured her that they could each come up with something better than the standard fare. Since then, he has tried and tried to figure out what he should say, but it has been to no avail. There are many personal things he could say to her, of course, but he doesn't wish to share those things publicly.

Now that the day of their union has arrived, he is starting to give up hope that he will be able to come up with anything brilliant. Unfortunately, the group he has gathered here today contains the few people on Earth whose opinions actually matter to him.

He feels a brief temptation to try to calm his speaking fears with an alcoholic beverage, but he remembers the YouTube video of him dropping his pants the last time he tried that tactic. The Skype call to Amy's mother had somehow won the woman over, but he imagines that spending part of his wedding ceremony in his underwear would quickly unravel her improved opinion of him.

When he enters the backroom, Sheldon instantly scans the room for Amy. He spots her on the far side of the room, chatting with most of the rest of the ladies. She is wearing an early 1900's era long-sleeved dress. It is cut square at the neck and reveals a considerable, but still modest, portion of her upper chest. As he steps closer he can see that it is a dark navy color, much like his own suit. It is a beautiful and conservative choice, which is exactly what he would have expected her to feel comfortable wearing.

She smiles when she sees him, and he notices that her hairstyle seems familiar. Suddenly, he realizes that her outfit and hairstyle are also inspired by a TV show. He has watched enough PBS with Amy to have seen quite a bit of _Downton Abbey_ , and he knows that Amy's favorite character is Lady Sybil Crawley.

Now that he is actually in her presence, he feels most of his nervousness dissipate. No matter what blather ends up coming out of his mouth when the time to speak arrives, he knows that he will still wind up married to this woman by the end of the day. He smiles at Amy and takes her hand as he reaches her.

"Hello to you too, Sheldon," Penny greets him.

Oh, right. There are other people around, and he should probably acknowledge their existence. He turns to look briefly at the ladies who are standing with Amy.

"Hi ladies. I need to steal Amy for a moment before we begin."

It's Penny who answers again, "Thanks, Sheldon, you look great today too."

It has taken almost a decade of interacting with her, but Sheldon can decipher the singsong sound of her sarcasm now. Well, usually. He realizes that this is a not-so-subtle hint that he should compliment everyone. He clears his throat.

"You all look really wonderful," he says, but he doesn't shift his gaze away from Amy.

Not feeling the need to engage in any additional girly jibber jabber, he starts to lead Amy across the room to sign some paperwork.

"Thanks for agreeing to officiate for us, Leonard," Amy says when they reach the table where Leonard is standing with the marriage license.

"You're welcome, Amy. Sheldon tells me it's a high honor to sign your documentation. And what was the other thing, Sheldon? Oh, right. I'm supposed to stand up with you guys but not actually contribute by saying anything."

"Right!" Sheldon says enthusiastically. He's glad that Leonard understands the role that they need him to fulfill.

Grabbing a pen, he reads the paperwork and signs in the appropriate places. He hands the pen to Amy and watches her do the same thing. She's officially stuck with him now, no matter how much he bungles the rest of the ceremony.

A few unsigned lines are bothering Sheldon.

"Leonard, don't you need to finish this?" he asks.

"Sheldon, we can't actually finish filling this out now. Penny and I can't sign as witnesses until after the ceremony itself. I mean, we haven't even witnessed anything yet."

Oh, of course. So maybe Amy's not quite stuck with him just yet. He feels faint, but passing out is unlikely to improve the situation. As much as it pains him to be mundane, he supposes that he could still just use the traditional set of vows.

Apparently sensing Sheldon's stress, Leonard pats him on the back twice before wandering off to start gathering the rest of their friends and family. Their guests make their way over to stand nearby, surrounding the couple in a circle. Amy and Sheldon have both declined to make any kind of fancy entrance, and Sheldon realizes that this is it.

He freezes, completely unsure of where to begin, and he sees that Amy is wide-eyed and nervous as well.

Leonard must recognize their discomfiture because he rescues them from their awkward moment of silence. "Hello everyone. We are all here today to witness what we thought to be impossible. Our Sheldon and Amy are getting married. They've each prepared some things to say."

To Sheldon's great relief, Leonard turns to Amy first and says, "Amy?", to indicate that she should begin.

She nods briefly at Leonard and then turns to look directly at Sheldon. He feels a slight trembling in her hands when she reaches for his own. Surrounded as they are, Sheldon still tries his best to forget that everyone else is there and instead focuses his attention on Amy.

He sees her swallow nervously. She gives him just the barest hint of a smile and a squeeze to his hands when she haltingly begins, " 'I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure.' 'Do you wanna come with me? 'Cause if you do, then I should warn you — you're gonna see all sorts of things… It won't be quiet, it won't be safe, and it won't be calm. I've only got one life. I could spend it with you, if you want.' "

Sheldon recognizes all of these words. They are quotes from _The Lord of the Rings_ and _Doctor Who_. She is doing exactly what Leonard had tried to recommend to him - she is speaking his language.

She continues to look into his eyes when she says, " 'I have been, and always shall be your friend.' 'My mental pathways have become accustomed to your sensory input patterns.' " He smiles more broadly at her with these references to his beloved Star Trek.

" 'When I say, 'I love you,' it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.' 'You're mine. Mine, as I'm yours. And if we die, we die. All men must die… But first, we'll live.' "

These final sentiments he recalls from _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ and _A Storm of Swords_. After finishing her words, she slips a simple, gold band onto Sheldon's ring finger.

Sheldon is struck mute. While he has been dreading having to speak at this moment, he feels immensely touched by the thoughtful way that Amy was able to speak to him.

Her words and Leonard's advice have given him an idea. His mind drifts to all of the things that he knows Amy enjoys, and he lets memories of reading and watching things with her swirl through his mind. It's a fantastic time to have an eidetic memory.

When he sees her raise a questioning eyebrow at him, he realizes that it is taking him a bit too long to organize these thoughts.

His voice returns to him, and he squeezes Amy's hands to reassure her before he takes a deep breath and begins, " 'The greatest scholars are not usually the wisest people.' 'What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing'." He is certain that she will recognize the words of Chaucer.

" 'Remember well, and bear in mind, a constant friend is hard to find.' 'There is in everything a most remarkable resemblance of character and ideas between us. We seem to have been designed for each other.' 'Perhaps it is our imperfections that make us so perfect for one another.' 'I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all.' "

Sheldon feels a little weird about mixing _Little House on the Prairie_ quotes in with ones from _Pride and Prejudice_ , but it sure does help him find the words that he wants to convey.

He continues, " 'Truth is the highest thing that man may keep.' 'You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you…' "

As he begins his final words, he takes Amy's finger and works the ring down. " 'I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve.' "

Sheldon shifts his head down to whisper a few last things into Amy's ear. They are things he feels he needs to say, but they are not for the others to hear. In response, she throws her arms around him in a tight embrace.

While Sheldon typically loathes any kind of public displays of affection, he knows that it is expected for an occasion such as this. It's not the first time in his life that he has made an exception for Amy, and he is certain that it won't be the last. He leans down to share their first kiss as husband and wife.

"Um… well, congratulations… I guess. You're husband and wife," Leonard gives one last shot to officiating the ceremony, but Amy and Sheldon have pretty much already declared it themselves.

—-

* * *

XXXI.

Howard sees Penny's face scrunch up with confusion when he overhears her whispering to Leonard, "What the hell was all that? Like, it was in English and everything, but I still feel like I need a freaking translator."

Howard finds himself agreeing with Penny. That was definitely not the vows of normal people, but Sheldon and Amy are almost never normal, so he isn't all that surprised. Leonard quietly explains to Penny how the pair had composed their vows out of pieces of various literature and television programming. Her face shifts into a soft smile as Leonard fills her in.

In the meantime, Howard can see the newlyweds being congratulated by other attendees. Amy is graciously accepting hugs, while Sheldon looks like he's enduring a root canal. When Howard and Bernadette make their way over to greet the happy couple, he makes sure to give Sheldon an uncomfortably long hug just to see Sheldon give him that 'about to build a Death Star' face. He then turns to hug Amy, and it takes a lot of self-restraint to keep from offering condolences instead of congratulations to her.

"Okay everyone, let's get ready to par-tay!" Raj shouts and then hits one of the main sets of lights, leaving the room much more dim. The pumpkins flicker in the darkened room, and the stars glow an odd shade of green on the ceiling.

Howard decides that Raj's words are his cue to get himself over to the table with the liquor. The moonshine turned out a little too strong to be palatable, but it did prove useful at removing some stubborn, old paint stains around the house.

He steps up to the table and pours himself some mead instead, and Howard sees that Wil and Stuart have the same idea. Every wedding reception that he can recall is vastly improved by getting fershnikit, and he imagines that it will only be more essential for a wedding like this.

Wil is wearing a white jacket and dark pants, both of which are trimmed with gold piping. Howard recognizes this as a Star Trek dress uniform. Stuart, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be dressed much differently than he usually is.

"Didn't feel like finding a costume, Stuart?" he asks in place of a greeting.

The comic store owner always reminds Howard a little bit of Kermit the frog. For today's special occasion, the only slight difference to his normal look is that his untucked shirt is buttoned up such that no t-shirt is visible underneath.

"What do you mean? I'm Aidan from _Sex and the City_. You know, the nice guy who got dumped for that Big asshole."

Howard smiles an evil grin at that and taps his glass to Stuart's. "Indeed."

Sheldon has been on a bit of a Thai food kick of late and has recently mandated Saturday as an additional Thai food night on his whacky little eating schedule. Still, Howard can't help but think that it's weird to get a big delivery of takeout containers for what's typically a fancy, momentous event.

When they all sit down and Howard looks around, he finds that it feels quite a bit like any other get-together, albeit with a few familial additions. He sees Penny chugging away at a glass of wine at one end of the table. At the other end, he sees Sheldon being picky about which seat to sit in while Amy patiently indulges his lunacy. Once Sheldon is seated, he then begins to pontificate to Stuart and Wil, who have foolishly selected chopsticks to eat their Thai food.

The familiarity of the situation is kind of nice in a way, and Howard almost feels like he should sit on the floor to get the full effect.

No one is drunk enough to try to make a toast, so dinner and dessert end up being pretty peaceful. On the other hand, everyone is just slightly drunk enough to do a little bit of dancing.

Sheldon and Amy begin with some ballroom dancing. At first, Howard thinks that watching a couple dance so formally to the song 'Monster Mash' will surely be the oddest sight of the evening, but he later spots Stuart dancing with Sheldon's mother. That actually ends up trumping Sheldon and Amy for most awkward looking dance. Wil and Sheldon's Meemaw are decidedly better dancers, though Howard wouldn't exactly call that a pretty picture either.

Howard steps on Bernadette's toes for a dance or two as well. She glares at him each time he does it, but he finally just whines, "Sorry, but I can't even figure out where your feet are to avoid them underneath that gargantuan mountain of a skirt."

He supposes he's ruining her whole Cinderella vibe, so he continues with a more soothing tone, "How about later I bring my horse around and we giddyup home to dance with less… interference?"

He shoots her his most winning smile and hopes that she remembers the last time she played Cinderella dress-up. Her scowl softens to a smile and she nods.

"I'm just going to go sit for a bit," she squeaks and starts limping off toward the nearest table.

Hmm. Looks like he got her toes pretty good on that last one.

Sheldon is over getting himself a beverage, though his is Diet Coke instead of alcohol. When Howard wanders over to get another drink as well, Raj catches up with both of them and says, "Aren't weddings just magical?"

Howard's not sure if that's the word that he would use to describe this experience. Is that a tear in Raj's eye?

Whatever sentimentality Raj might be feeling surely fades when Sheldon speaks, "The stars are a nice touch, Raj, but did you know that you got Ursa Minor and Pisces mixed up?"

Raj turns to Howard and whispers through clenched teeth, "See? What did I tell you?"

Deciding it's best to change the subject, Howard clears his throat and asks, "Um, yeah, so do you think you and Emily will ever tie the knot, Raj?"

Raj takes a drink before answering, "I don't know. We're very different people. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to plan a long term commitment just yet."

Sheldon chimes in, "Well, if you do decide to address the topic of marriage and commitment, I highly recommend that you do not lead into the discussion by talking about committing to watching a TV show."

Raj looks incredulous. "Dude, you didn't really start your proposal by talking about television?"

"Well, I didn't quite get to the proposal part at that time. She… lost interest in the discussion about commitment when I started talking about _The Flash_."

Howard shakes his head. "I'll just bet she did. That sounds like the worst proposal ever."

"My second attempt was much more effective."

The idea of Sheldon and romance still creeps Howard out, so he decides it's best not to ask him to elaborate about that.

Raj must not want to ask either because he shifts the topic of conversation. "Hey, did you guys see the stuff that Wil and Stuart brought? They've got a whole collection of games. Mystic Warlords of Ka-a, Twister, Pictionary, and D&D. There's also a few decks of standard playing cards."

Howard's up for anything that will keep him from having to dance again. "That sounds great, let's set it up."

Sheldon and Howard recruit Wil and Stuart to help clear the tables while Raj heads over to inform the guests of the entertainment options. Howard is a little concerned that they might face some objections from the ladies, but Wil and Stuart did a good job of bringing a variety of choices.

It turns out that both mothers and Sheldon's Meemaw all have an affinity for playing bridge. They rope George into joining so they'll have a group of four.

Amy, Bernadette, Emily, Missy, and Penny decide to start with Pictionary. Sheldon offers to join them so that they'll have equal numbers of people on each team, but Amy assures him that it's okay for him to go play Mystic Warlords of Ka-a instead. When Sheldon shrugs and heads over to the other table, Howard sees Amy breathe a sigh of relief. Howard has seen Sheldon play Pictionary before, so he understands why she would see this as a respite.

Speaking of a respite, Howard knows better than to play a competitive game against his wife, so he happily plops himself down with the other guys to play Warlords. Stuart deals out the first hand of cards.

In the background, Howard can hear George and the older ladies playing bridge. He has to resist the urge to laugh because they are seriously talking smack to one another.

It's pretty quickly drowned out by the sound of his own wife, though, who does not take losing at Pictionary with dignity. It sounds like the other girls distract her by suggesting a move to Twister. Since Bernadette will probably take up eighty percent of the Twister board with that poofy skirt, Howard thinks her chances of winning are pretty good.

Around the time the guys finish their second game of cards, he hears her bark out, "That's right! Nobody beats me at Twister. Not anymore!" and he knows that she has indeed emerged victorious.

"So… maybe we should invite the ladies over here for a game of D&D," Howard suggests, figuring that it's probably time to switch things up and diffuse the Bernadette bomb.

Amy, Penny, Emily, and Missy all seem grateful for the chance to play D&D, which Howard finds tremendously amusing. His wife is a powerful force of nature, at times, and she still looks like a fluffy little cloud of fury standing over on the Twister board. When it becomes clear that everyone has conceded any future matches to her, she finally agrees to join the D&D adventure.

They pull over a few more chairs and have just finished setting up the D&D paraphernalia when Sheldon's phone alarm goes off. "Oh, it's already 10:00."

Everyone is more familiar with Sheldon's ridiculous schedule than they'd prefer to be, so they all know that signals his bedtime. Sheldon takes Amy's hand and they walk over to give polite goodbyes to their mothers, George, and Sheldon's Meemaw.

When the dorky duo returns, Amy offers her thanks to the rest of the group. Sheldon tacks on, "Indeed. It was not unpleasant to have you all in attendance."

Sheldon helps Amy slide her sweater on, and Howard has to nearly bite his tongue in half to keep from firing off sexual innuendo in response to their impending exit. In reality, though, he thinks that if those two decide to take a walk on the wild side tonight, it will probably just involve staying up late to play Scrabble or something.

"Where are you guys planning to go for your honeymoon?" Penny slurs one last question before they depart.

"Oh, we're not going away. We did take the liberty of taking Monday off, however. That way we will have both Sunday and Monday to move Amy's things over from her apartment," Sheldon responds. "That reminds me, consider yourselves all recruited to help tomorrow. Let's meet at 8 a.m. sharp. I'll be supervising, so I expect that it will be a fairly smooth operation."

Judging by the level of inebriation at this table, Howard thinks that those two will be lucky if anyone shows up by noon. Or at all. And what the hell? That's got to be the most ridiculously pragmatic and downright unromantic honeymoon that Howard has ever heard of. For some reason, though, Amy looks blissfully happy about it.

"That's so hot," Penny says flatly. Amy nods enthusiastically at her friend, shooting her an enormous, toothy grin. Apparently, Amy is still as big a failure at detecting sarcasm as her husband is.

In the meantime, Howard catches Sheldon stealing a few D&D dice and slipping them into his pocket. Maybe his guess of Scrabble is a bit off. Maybe they're planning a wild night of Yahtzee instead.

—-

* * *

Notes: The material for Sheldon and Amy's wedding vows was shamelessly pulled from various TV shows and/or books. It was used without permission, as is the way of fanfic. I believe that I listed all of the sources up above, but if you noticed that I missed one, please let me know. The vows are the first thing that I constructed for this half of the story, since I figured that would be the toughest part. I hope it seemed like the right fit for them.

Thanks to mphs95 for finding the time to beta read these final chapters.

One last little chapter is left, which will be posted on Saturday. Yahtzee? Maybe...


	14. Chapter 14

XXXII.

There's something immensely surreal about getting into the elevator and riding up to her apartment. This is an action that Amy performs every single day, but today this simple thing feels consequential in a way that is completely irrational.

It is the last night that she will ever spend in this apartment, and she supposes that this fact is a good enough reason to feel a certain sense of nostalgia. It's not nostalgia that she is feeling, though, because she in no way longs for the past. Truthfully, the entire day has felt like this - dreamlike and not quite real.

Amy looks over and sees that Sheldon is checking his pocket watch. It is past his bedtime, and he has a pretty ambitious moving plan set up for them tomorrow. With Sheldon's family occupying 4A for one more night, Sheldon and Amy are spending the night at her place. Her mother, thankfully, will not be on the couch this time but instead will be going to visit a cousin who lives in the area.

As she unlocks the door to 314, Amy is struck by the memory of the first time she opened this door. She was so alone then. Isolated. Her life is very different now, so full of friends and love. And a husband.

Nothing could feel more unreal than being married to Sheldon Cooper. She closes and locks the door behind them. Contemplating the surreal draws her attention to Sheldon. He is being unnaturally quiet. Perhaps he is also feeling the weighty import of this day.

"Did you know that there are only 47 days and 103 minutes until the release of the new Star Wars movie?"

Or maybe not. Well, she supposes that this is an issue of great consequence to Sheldon. Still…

He takes her hand and softly continues, "You're going to go with me, right?"

She smiles and squeezes his hand in return. "I wouldn't miss it for anything."

That's absolutely true, but she wonders if maybe she can sneak in a bag of knitting supplies or something when the time comes.

No, he'd probably notice that. Perhaps she'll just get in a nice nap.

"This is weird," he says after a few moments of silence.

What's weird is that he doesn't seem to have a long explanation to go with that statement. He's usually much more… verbose… if something is troubling him. She has a strong suspicion about what it might be, though.

"You mean being married?" she guesses.

He nods, so she goes on, "It does feel strange. I was actually just thinking about the illogicalness of that feeling. Nothing has really fundamentally changed about us or our relationship, but it does still feel like a big deal."

"Yes, exactly," Sheldon replies, sounding both surprised and relieved that she understands him. He's probably pretty discomfited by experiencing something that is both emotional and irrational. "Do you think we'll feel normal again soon?"

"I can't say I've ever considered myself or our relationship 'normal', but yes, I do think that we'll regain our equilibrium fairly quickly."

She sees Sheldon suddenly shift his posture as though something has just occurred to him. "Should I have carried you over the threshold?"

Her eyes widen. "What? No, Sheldon, definitely not. We both know that you'd just herniate a disc and end up in the ER."

She smiles mischievously and tugs on his tie before adding, "And I'd much prefer to spend my evening with a different kind of Doctor."

His eyes light up at the mention of his cosplay. "You know, I can't say that the tenth Doctor was ever my favorite. One can never have too many Doctor Who costumes, though. You seemed to enjoy the David Tennant era when I got you to watch a few episodes, so I thought you'd appreciate this particular look."

"Oh, I definitely do," she breathes out and runs her fingers through his messier than normal hair.

"As do I appreciate your choice. Sybil Crawley was an interesting lady from an interesting time. You definitely do her justice."

Sheldon takes hold of her hips but then pauses. "Although… I must say, that I sort of expected you to dress in garb from a slightly earlier era, _Amelia."_

Amy inhales sharply and lets her hand drop from Sheldon's hair before taking a step back from his embrace. He knows about that?

There's probably a dignified way to handle this discussion, but all she can think about is how wildly smutty those last few chapters were. She feels her cheeks flush with embarrassment even though Sheldon doesn't look all that upset about the stories.

Eventually she chokes out, "How did you find out about that?"

"Really, Amy?" he tilts his head. "What Penny knows, we all eventually come to know as well."

Ugh. That means that Leonard, Raj, and Howard probably know too.

"Does it bother you?" she asks timidly.

His face scrunches up. "It was… disconcerting at first, I must admit. And I got more than a little sick of the guys calling me 'Cooper'…"

Sheldon seems more thoughtful than uncomfortable when he continues, "More than anything, though, I was glad that you found an outlet for your… interests. Particularly, I was glad that the outlet included me, or at least some form of me. In a way, it reminded me of our D&D game. You know, a way for us to be together at a time when I otherwise wasn't quite ready. "

She nods, feeling pleased that he understands. Their D&D storytelling adventure had, in fact, been the impetus behind her foray into creating fiction. Maybe she can even talk Sheldon into joining her for a joint writing project someday.

"That reminds me," he says, with a suddenly raspy voice, "that I brought you a little something."

He reaches into his pocket and then holds out his hand. Lying in his palm are a few colorful dice. Amy swallows down a sudden bolt of arousal and hopes that she isn't developing some kind of odd fetish for RPGs.

"I believe we have an unfinished game," he begins, "but perhaps some new characters are in order?"

"I think I'd prefer to just be fully human this time, Doctor."

He smiles, obviously noting that she is playing along. "Indeed, Ma'am. I'm clearly a Time Lord… but don't worry, I'm quite humanoid for an alien."

Amy smirks but doesn't comment, so he continues, "It appears that we've had a marriage spell cast upon us."

"I noticed that. What shall we do?"

He clears his throat. "Well, the customs of this land and time do dictate certain traditions. I've heard tell that they call it 'consummation'."

Amy is captivated by his words, but she swallows carefully and decides to feign innocence. "I see. How should we proceed then, Doctor?"

He looks her in the eye. "My alien time traveler leads your post-Edwardian era Lady to my secluded time machine…"

He holds out his hand, which she accepts, and then leads her through the bright blue doors of her bedroom. Closing them in, he turns back to face her. "What do you do?"

"I… remove your timelessly stylish suit coat and tie," she decides and proceeds to free him from some unneeded attire. "What do you do?"

"I…" he begins but then pauses to roll the dice. The sound of the dice rolling on her nearby dresser is more seductive than she'd like to admit to herself. "… remove your uncomfortable, yet oddly alluring, shoes and leg coverings."

The memory of their years ago D&D game is usually so sharp in her mind. At this moment, however, it feels faded in comparison to the stunning new memory that forms when he slips the shoes from her feet and slides her stockings down her legs.

Breathing heavily, she whispers, "I… kiss you on the lips." She leans up and does just that, but she feels strangely shy about the action, considering how many times she has done so before.

When the brief kiss ends, he says, "While I kiss you back on the…"

He rolls the dice once again and raises an eyebrow when he examines the number. "My Lady, I'm afraid this will require the removal of additional garments."

His statement of regret at this does not sound terribly sincere. Her dress and undergarments are quickly dispatched and Sheldon plants a kiss between her bare breasts before looking up at her to pose a question.

"Didn't seem like a good day for a corset?"

"No day is a good day for a corset, Doctor. I may be a Lady, but I am also a sane one."

Dressing up authentically is one thing, but the torture of early 1900's undergarments is quite another. Amy had felt close enough to passing out today even without having something to further restrict her respiration.

"What do you do?" he prompts, reminding her that it is her turn.

"I... examine your alien undergarments as well…"

Amy strips off the rest of Sheldon's suit and is faced with a new pair of Underoos. These red ones are clearly based on The Flash, and the bright yellow lightning bolt that adorns them is delightfully stretched out to greet her. She helps him slide those off too, resisting the urge to comment, and presses some kisses to his chest.

He reaches his arms around her and pulls her body into close contact with his own. With her chest pressed up against him, she looks up into his eyes and gasps, "I think I'm ready to just be Amy again."

"Yes. I'm feeling much more human than alien right now as well…" he mumbles his agreement and lets the dice fall from his loose grip to spill onto the floor.

"I can see that," she glances down with a smirk.

That was a rather fun game, but as they tumble onto her bed to kiss and touch with complete freedom, she is pleased to no longer have to answer to the dice.

Eventually, Sheldon rolls her over and she knows that he is more than ready to proceed. Amy, however, has other plans, and she rolls him right back over. He looks hilariously nervous when she straddles his hips. They haven't done it this way before, not with her on top, and he seems a little unnerved about the prospect.

Amy is quite hesitant as well. She has always shied away from being in control of the action, but tonight feels different somehow. It's probably just the alcohol, dulling her inhibitions, but she prefers to think of it in more romantic terms. It's a slightly new experience to share with her very new husband. She smiles at him when she reaches down to guide him inside of her body.

This position results in an acute burst of sensation, and she and Sheldon both gape at each other in wide-eyed astonishment. Unsure of just what to do, Amy tries not to think about it too much and to instead just focus on the feeling.

She begins moving her hips very slowly and carefully. Sheldon wisely takes advantage of having his hands free and starts trailing his fingers over the areas that he knows will make her gasp.

After a time, she can tell that Sheldon desperately wants her to move faster and harder, but she just stares at him and keeps moving at a slow and steady pace. Free to move in whatever fashion suits her, she approaches ecstasy much more quickly than she normally would. It's a spectacular and rare feeling, to climax during intercourse itself, and Amy shouts her pleasure up towards the ceiling.

She hopes the neighbors didn't hear that, but she's moving out tomorrow, so she decides not to care.

As her wits return to her, she is greeted by the sight of a very anxious Sheldon. He has been trying his best to let her take the lead, but she can see that he is desperate for more vigorous movement. Part of her wants to take pity on him, but a greater part of her wants to see how long it will take for him to completely lose all restraint.

She smiles at his increasingly contorted facial expressions and keeps moving in a deliberately slow and shallow way. The blood vessels at his temples are standing out from the stress of the situation, as she sees him try to battle back the urgings of his hindbrain. It makes her wonder what a brain scan would reveal about him at a moment like this. The idea of hooking him up to some electrodes and collecting data on the subject is quite intriguing.

Perhaps another time…

Just as she finishes this thought, she sees Sheldon's carefully controlled facade continue to break down. His face and upper body are bright pink, and his breathing continues to sound frantic. He starts shifting his head back and forth on the bed while he mutters, "I want… I want…"

She leans down to whisper in his ear, "What do you want?"

His agitation only grows and he gasps, "I can't."

There's only one reasonable response to that, so she softly answers, "Of course you can…"

He shifts his hands down from their gentle touch on her breasts to take a firm grip on her hips. Clearly unable to stop himself now, he plants his feet on the bed for leverage and starts shoving his hips up hard into hers.

It's almost too much, nearly bordering on discomfort, but at the moment it's only uncomfortable in the best kind of way. She lets herself slam right back down onto him, staring at his brightly shining eyes.

As she watches Sheldon's face contort with that look of painful exhilaration, she knows that it is a sight that she will never get tired of.

When Sheldon's higher reasoning centers take over again from his hindbrain, she sees him look up at her with concern. She gives him a soft smile of reassurance and leans down to press a tender kiss to his lips. At that, he sighs contentedly, and she feels his whole body soften with relaxation.

He looks at her and huffs out, "I think you nearly killed me."

Amy runs her palm over Sheldon's chest to enjoy the feel of his heartbeat as it slows to its normal rhythm. She gazes back at him with a widening smile and answers, "I don't think so, Sheldon. You seem pretty alive to me."

—-

The End.

* * *

Notes: Yes, I was actually pathetic enough to calculate the time from October 31, 2015 to the midnight release of the next Star Wars movie.

My goal with this fic was to take Amy and Sheldon into M-rated territory - and even through a wedding - while trying to change them as little as possible. There are many excellent pieces of fic that really transform these characters, but this story was an attempt to move their relationship forward without really altering the characters themselves. I'll leave it up to all of you to decide if it worked.

Thanks for reading my goofy little story. This is only the second thing that I have written, and I really do enjoy trying to improve my writing. If you have any comments or criticism, feel free to fire away. It's always nice to know that people are reading.


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